The day will soon come when I can move again. I will ride a bike, speed walk, or even just sit without worrrying about losing these babies. How is it at the age of twenty-seven that I became responsible for other peoples' most vaulable belongings. I had no idea that it would entail sleepless nights. Yes, I had other pregnancies but this one was different, this one almost an out of body experience. These were not my children they were someone else's. Two boys the ultrasound tech said, two boys that seemed to have all their parts. Two parents that have placed all their trust in me. We became pregnant on the second try, they had wanted it so badly that when we met for the first time my husband didn't know how to react. It always came so easy for us; our chidren were discussed only moments before they were conceived and then there they were, our little blessings.
The soon to be mom has been so kind to me. She has made it so during those long nights when I am unable to sleep I can read one of the many books she has purchased for me, uplifting books, she says, "It's good for the babies to have you calm." She checks up on me to make sure that I'm eating everything I should. Why would she assume that I wouldn't eat properly? The stress sometimes of doing something wrong is overwelming.
Bed rest began at twenty-six weeks gestation. The contractions started as if these little guys were saying they wanted out now. Did they sense I wasn't their mother? Could they feel that this wasn't their home? The doctor gave me tocolytics and IV hydration and sent me home with instructions to not move unless I was getting up to the bathroom. "What about my children?" I asked They answered me more with a look than an answer. The look said, well, you got yourself into this, figure it out. My husband was the answer. He cooked, cleaned, and brought the kids to daycare before he went to work. Did he ever wonder what I was thinking when I said "Honey, I love being pregnant, how about we help an infertile couple?" He's not a complainer, which is helpful because if he was I'm not sure what I would do with myself.
I'm wondering if these days go on forever just to make me think that this pregnancy will. Don't get me wrong; I'm excited to see these little ones that I have gotten to know in a way that is more like a passing acquaintance than anything maternal. I could be the aunt...Aunt Carrie. That sounds just right.
Their father is a kind man, around fifty-one, a pulmonary doctor, who has very kind eyes and weeps every time he sees me. He has a lovely spirit that I find myself drawn to. There is a part of me that knows we are not in their league. I am not an educated women, my husband is a chef who could write cookbooks with Emeril Lagasse but our finacial status does not compare to theirs. I often think of becoming a nurse, sitting here with my hands on my engorged abdomen. I think, why can't I become a nurse? I have a supportive husband, we're done having our children. Then something shifts in me and I change my constantly fleeting mind. No one in my family went to college, this is a ridiculous dream.
I feel the babies moving all the time now. They are growing big and our weekly ultrasounds show them to be getting closer. I am getting increasingly excited to see their parents faces when they arrive. I think about how their birth will be. Will I have a cesarean section or will I have them natural like my children? I'm not that concerned as long as in the end everyone is happy and healthy. It's important that their mom is happy, I see the way she looks at me sometimes. She has such a deep sadness in her that I pray will vanish once she see her children.
I can hear my little ones running around downstairs as I sit here in the little nest that I have created waiting for the grand due date. I will see these children as they grow, their parents have promised us this. My own little ones don't really understand what's going on. At five and two they are wrapped up in their innocent worls of Thomas the train, dinosaurs, and Pokemon.
I'm going to close this journal now and dream of a day soon to come when I can be a Mommy again to my own children, and pass on the gift of motherhood to someone who I hope will cherish it as much as I do.
