A Family

In the hospital we basically shared the same room. Trevor, Dennis, and the babies had their official room, but mine turned out to be the hot spot. Trevor's parents flew in from LA, Calf.,they also spent a fair amount of time in my room. I breastfeed the babies, I was happy that my milk would have a purpose this time. It felt like a loss to me before to just have my milk dry up.
I recall one particular feeding, I had James with me, and he was nursing without any problems. I looked into his little face and instantly felt a bond. His big eyes took over that little young round face. When I say a bond I don't mean as if he were mine. It was as if I knew this little being for the longest time and we were sharing a special moment. I would imagine him thinking,"Hey, I know this gal, she's ok.", After the feeding I brought him down the hall to see his father, I was a bit weepy, Trevor asked if I was ok, I was except for this small aching feeling of melancholy. I would miss the babies, I didn't want them, but it seemed logical that I would miss them. When I looked at James and Paige I didn't see my children, they looked nothing like my blond haired blue eyed kids, they had dark hair, dark brown eyes and a temperament that didn't match my growing babes back home.  Trevor lived in New York City so they were an easy two hour drive away.  Our plan was to go for a visit in about one week.
I didn't pump my breast milk for them but when we saw them two weeks later, Trevor said, "Do you want to try, I knew most of my supply was down but I didn't care. Trevor had a small apartment in Greenwich village, it was a sweet little brownstone that didn't scream family. It quietly stated in all the manicured walls, time to find a new home guys. The apartment had a small kitchen that hooked to an even smaller bathroom. They had what I would guess to be a 10'x6' living room. That room held their crib and oversized couch, that was all it held. Right next to the living room was their bedroom. Another cramped space. For now it all worked, their was bits and pieces of their momentary lost life. Movie posters from Trevor"s recent film, Dennis had scripts thrown around to match what was still going on in his life. They did share the baby duties but it was clear that Trevor was their main parent. Trevor and Dennis had started getting serious during the pregnancy and had moved in together around my 20 weeks of pregnancy mark. He was devoted but still was moving forward with his career. Trevor wanted to focus on his two new loves.
I went into the semi private bedroom with both the twins to try to nurse them. To my surprise the week didn't seem to make a difference. They had a bottle for all that time but nursed without incident. They nursed and I looked at their little features. A few hours later we left with tears in our eyes, and promises to see each other soon. We did a few months later.
I went home with a plan. I was going to finally go back to school and get my nursing degree. My plan was to work at the birthplace, with all those amazing nursing that had helped me during my labors and delivery's. I had been taking prerequisite classes since I finished High School, all with the intention of being a registered nurse. Now I knew what type of nursing I was going to strive toward. I knew I would have another baby. I knew it would be my own biology, and I knew that it would be a completely different road.