The loves of my life

A women that has been pregnant will either tell you she loves being pregnant or it's the worst thing she's ever gone through. For me, as you can imagine, I not only loved being pregnant I glowed with a warmth that could heat a small family in the dead of winter. Clearly, to say I enjoyed being pregnant is an understatement.

 When I became pregnant with Aiden I became the best I personally could be.  I was already a nurse, my kids were getting older so I could enjoy the pregnancy, and I simply felt my best. I was always lucky enough to be one of those pregnant women that had a perfect belly. Literally, I felt like I could be a model for maternity cloths. Now, I'm not ordinarily fashion savvy, but while pregnant, I could sport the best looks, and stroll down the street like I was walking a cat walk.

Presley and Michael were on cloud nine, they had Oscar already so they were learning the ropes before Aiden came along. The guys made me feel like the goddess of fertility! The baby that was growing inside me would move and I would just stop and think, "How lucky am I, I have Presley and Michael in my life, and now I have this little life that I'm helping make".  

Tom who was always concerned with my well being would watch me like he was watching over his own child growing. Somehow, we both knew that this little one was going to change our lives. We were breaking new ground in a world that seemed to have all the frontiers crossed.  

This is going to be a short post, I'm writing this now from an amazing vacation home in Maine that we are sharing with Presley, Michael, Tom, Sam, Edward, Grace, Aiden, Oscar,  Rose (who I will get to next), Piper, her family, and her amazing surrogate couple as well as her son with them.  

Tom is sleeping and I'm listening to the ocean as it ebbs and flows, the house is quiet except for the ocean as it sings it's quiet nighttime song.  I'll continue with my pregnancy with Aiden...than Rose. Honestly, the whole reason I'm writing the blog is to get to the part that is my life now. My life that I'm constantly trying to explain to people, my life that involves the most incredible people. My life with my kids that people understand and  the kids that people forget I have and  are NEVER far from my thoughts.

Pregnant once again

It took months to become pregnant with Michaels and Presley's baby but it did happen. We went through a few months of home inseminations with just Presley's sperm, than on to IVF, I had an egg retrieval, lots of those fun filled hormones again, and then onto the transfer only to receive a negative result.
We did get to know each other on a much deeper level during this time. We flew out to CA. for the transfer, brought the kids along, as well as their newest addition. The adoption process was finally complete. They brought Oscar home into their loving, antique filled lives. He was 6 months old at the time.  Off we all went, Kassy stayed back home with her mother, Britt and the boys thrilled to be heading off the Disney World, not to mention a vacation that they would never forget. We spent all waking moments together, again I had to have my bed rest days following the transfer,  but even those moments we would have a crowded party in our room. Meanwhile, our non traditional group spent days together, getting to know Oscar and the guys getting to know our kids.  Of course as they viewed it they were the siblings of their soon to be children, why wouldn't they want to form a relationship with them.  Oscar with out a doubt would be loved by all of us, he would melt into this extra ordinary family with an ease that reminded me that children are the biggest gift. He would be the long distance brother Sam dreamed of, and the guys were happy to form that bond.Yet again another reason I admire them.
After are fun filled trip and our negative result we were not deterred. Our next plan of action use both Michaels and Presley's sperm. They stayed with us each time they came to Ma., to this day that's just how it is.  Insemination done, now it was just our usual waiting game. I would always take way to many pregnancy tests, staring at the test with an obsession that could only be matched by my desire to be pregnant in the first place.
The blue positive line showed so clearly that their was no mistaking it. I called Tom, told him the news, which by this time in our surrogacy lives was not a big surprise. I called Piper in this sequence somewhere, she would be give me her unconditional support.  Than I called the guys. Presley's response was a bit flat, really? I mean are you sure? He was hesitant to get to excited because of the several months of negative results. Once it sunk in, the two of them were over the moon!  Your probably thinking, you've done this many times already, how could this be different? It was, this pregnancy, baby, relationship changed my life.

Did you say sperm count?

Clay was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I received the news when Grace was only 2 months old. Clay called me personally to share the news. He said he was having symptoms when we were all together in the hospital having the baby, the prognosis was not good. Clay and Edward would make yearly trips to MA. from MN. around Grace's birthday which happens to correlate with Thanksgiving. It was lovely to see their little family, but with each year I could see how weak Clay was becoming. At this point I think that's all I care to share with you about Clay. Except to say, his passing when Grace was three was devastating to all of us.

I met Presley and Michael, when Grace was approximatly two years old. I felt convident in my career at this point, and felt that I was phycially ready to be pregnant again. I knew after Grace that I wanted to have another baby, I called and spoke to Clay and Edward regarding my thoughts to move forward. They gave me their blessings and I knew it was time.

I called Growing Generations and received just one profile. It was a couple that wanted a traditional surrogate. I hadn't wanted to carry multiples again, and knew with a gestational surrogacy that was a real possibility. I  was concerned at how a traditional arrangement would feel with another couple. How could I have another biological child "out there", I had grown to love and adore Edward and Clay, how could I move on without them. My biological drive took over, Tom and I once again flew to LA to meet with the new guys.

I have to tell you all when I met Presley I couldn't believe my eyes. He had been a recording artist in the late 80's and 90's, and I honestly had not heard of him. I went into the meeting with a bit of hesitation, and left with even more. Michael was tall, blond, beautiful, and had a shyness about him. Whatever Michael was lacking in projection Presley made up for with a vigor that slapped me out of whatever daydream I dared drift to during our meeting. He spoke with an attitude of a buisness man that wanted to seal the deal. I learned about his sperm count with in the first moments of our hands shaking. We discussed my cycles as if we were talking about which restaurantes served the best cuisine. Now, you may be wondering what Presley looked like, well picture Elvis Presley and you have him picture perfect in your minds eye. "Yup, I thought I'm having a baby for Elvis Presley."

We left our first meeting, and I looked at Tom and said, "Nope", can't do it. His response, "I thought they were great, maybe you could just chat with them some more.". I did, a lot. Presley listened to everything and more that I had to tell regarding my other experiences. He heard me say how difficult but at the same time joyous regarding Grace's birth. They were in the process of adopting a baby and I heard in his voice the pure love he had for the women who was giving her baby up for adoption.She was from a third world country where there was little support for a young mother. Her choice to give up her baby must have been the most difficult decision in her young life.  He refered to her as his mother, their wasn't a hint of confusion or feeling threatened by their baby's  mother. Just love that her tragic loss would be their complete gain. They would send their sincere love through silent prayers. He went on to say that he knew what my role was in the life of the baby we were planning. I would always be that childs mother, they would be the parents, but why mess with words he would say, it is who you are. "The more people to love the child." he impressed me with his deep honesty, and genuine umderstanding of what seemed the most generous gift he could give to his child.
 I had no idea at the time, that these two men would become the gay loves of my life. Presley is one of the most remarkable, kind, generous, loving, people I've ever met. Do I sound like I'm gushing, because I am. If Tom had listened to me I would not have moved forward, and two beautiful chidlren would not be here. Thank you Tom for dealing with all my hormones,  knowing that this would all come together to form what was probably not your idea of how our family would grow.  Our yearly vacations together to such destinations as Maine, Bermuda, and I how could we forget the Rosie O"donnell cruise! Not to mention sharing my affection, love, breasts (for nursing of course, keep your mind out of the gutter, not to mention ...gay), and many weekends away to spend time with them.
Tom...I love you more than I can say. You are often forgotten by people when they hear my story, but ALL of these children would not be here if you were not.

Labor and Delivery

I graduated from nursing school in the spring of 2003, I had worked as a student nurse at Franklin Medical Center, our community hospital, during the summer prior to finishing school. I knew the floor well, from my own birth experiences, the nurses, and practitioners. I landed the job there as a new grad, which it turns out is nothing short of a miracle in nursing. Your silently requirered to do atleast a year of medical surgical nursing before moving on to a specialty, but as fate would have it that wasn't in my cards.
 Labor, birth, post partum..I couldn't get enough of the process. I felt honored to be a part of every birth I was privledged to attend. I soon found out that every nurse on the floor had the exact same feelings. Most had wanted to be a midwife prior to working in L&D, but soon found out that being an RN didn't require the 24hr on call hours that midwives were forced to adhere to.
I received an overnight 24hr. position. Now you may think, no position is worth working over night, well I can tell you this one is. It did take a while to get used to. I would go to sleep as soon as I got home, fall into bed not even looking to make sure I was hitting the correct surface. Wake up at 2pm and feel so disoriented that I wasn't even sure what time, day, or even where I was. Then I would go back to sleep for a few hours, wake up, spend time with the family, then head back to work. Where I would hold my head high walking by the visitors in the hallway, thinking, "that's right I work here.", I literally could not have been more proud.
Labor and delivery in a small community hospital means that you wear a lot of hats. You need to be trained in labor, delivery, post partum, infant care, neonatal resusitation, well nursery, preterm labor, GYN, some medical surgical, and work in the OR usually for a cesarean section but sometimes for other things like repairs or retained placentas, but not only that you have to be a labor support, and sometimes feel like a social worker.
 Orientation to L&D generally takes around 4 months officially, unofficially it can take much longer to feel completely comfortable. That being said, this is a position you never want to be completely comfortable in, you always have to be on guard. Never knowing what could come off the elevator. I can say I work with the most amazing team of women, everyone here is dedicated to giving the best care to women and their babies. When I was a fresh nurse I knew I could ask any question without feeling foolish, the same applys now to new nurses that come on our floor. We don't have a lot of turn over here due to the fact that it is such an incrediable place to work, some may even think magical.
Working in L&D didn't stop my desire to have more children, it fueled the desire. I had never dreamed of being a tradtional surrogate for anyone but Clay and Edward, my plan to give Grace a brother or sister in about a years time.  Although, a horrible life event would change all of our plans.

Not easy

Edward and Clay left on a Wednesday,  the same day we were discharged from the hospital.  We all happily strolled down the hallway, them holding Grace in the infant carrier. I remember leaving feeling a sense of fulfillment. I knew that they were stopping by our home before leaving to catch a flight back to MN.. I had a few days off before returning to nursing school. It was all going to be fine, I would kiss them all goodbye and we'd set a date to visit.
I nursed Grace once more back at home.I remember telling myself, hold it together until they leave. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them wanting a family, that's why she's here.  Clay and Edward at this  point in our relationship had grown to be part of our family. I knew they would always be in our lives, it's honestly what held me together at this point. That and my amazing husband and dear friend Piper. Grace was placed into my life because of Edward and Clay. They would probably respond to that with the opposite response, that if it wasn't for me...but I know she's here because she was meant to be here. She's here to make their beautiful family. I helped put her there, which is the biggest honor I can think of.  I had one of the starring roles in her life!  Edward and Clay gave me a cameo with a mother and baby on it, I wear it everyday and think of them.
After they left Tom gave me a warm hug,  I excused myself and went into the bathroom where I quietly wept. I didn't want my kids to see me like this,  this was a joyous time and that's how I wanted them to remember it.  Tom stayed with me for a few days before he went back to work. I kept busy studying for my cardiac exam that was coming up the following week. The next day my milk came in with a forcefulness, it seemed to shout at me that their wasn't a baby to share it with. How could I have this reminder now? I was just trying to make it to the next minute without shedding a tear, forget about looking down and seeing my breasts look like mini basketballs. So I pulled myself together, put in a call to Piper, took some tylenol for the pain, and wore a tight jog bra. Sad to see my milk dry up, but knowing that Grace was to far to realistically (with school and kids), pump, store, and ship my milk, that was what we decided was the best choice.
The guys called me when they arrived home to tell me what I had missed since they left. It was fantastic to hear there voices. They said she did well on the flight, and they were proud to announce they survived the first day alone with their daughter.  I couldn't have been happier. I helped create another family, but this time it felt as if I had truly expanded mine.

What a day!

The day had come to have my latest arrival. If I knew then what I know now being a labor and delivery nurse I would not have gone along with an induction for this baby, but I wasn't an L&D nurse then so this was my thought process.  I'm in nursing school and need to time labor and delivery between exams and clinicals, and if we plan on an induction than the guys would be there, no need to worry about them missing the big event. As you read on you'll see that everything worked out and she was born healthy. That being said, it did take a little intervention to meet her.
We arrived at the hospital at 8am sharp. The plan was to break my water and see what happened. I was already 2cm dilated and she was low enough to safely break my water. The guys met us at the hospital, again the looks on their faces said it all. They looked excited, scared, over joyed, anxious, and simply in love with their daughter that they dreamed about for so long. I had decided to not have an epidural, I was also going to breastfeed her in the hospital and knew that an epidural could slow the nursing process. I wanted to give her one last gift of a medication free delivery. I succeeded. After my water was broken, we waited, and waited, with no success. As with my oldest, and the first set of twins I needed pitocin. Once that set in I was on my way. I labored and gave birth in the same room I had Tommy and Sam in. I thought, "This is a weird coincidence.", as fate would have it I would later go on and have my last two biological children in that same room. When ever I have a birth in that room, speaking as a nurse now, I at some point remember one of their births.
Her labor was beautiful. It was silent. Now that's my recollection of it, my husband and the guys may have had another version all together. I went with every contraction, and let it go as soon as it ended. She was born in the evening around 6pm. Clay delivered his daughter. The midwife that was with me let him take over at the last minute. I have a picture of him all ready to catch her...simply lovely. They placed Grace on my chest, she was picture perfect. She looked exactly as I expected. She nursed right away and I felt as if nothing could be better. She was healthy everyone in the room appeared to just have a soft glow around them.

How to get pregnant.

Edward and Clay moved to Ma. so Edward could attend Harvard. This could not have worked out better. We live in Western Ma. so it would be a two hours trip to get to our home. This whole experience would be different., instead of getting progesterone injections, I would be clocking my cycle. Instead of using donor egg, I would be using my own. Having two sets of twins back to back did take a bit of a toll on my body, I needed a kind pregancy. One that would not require bedrest or being away from the general public for more than a day. The down side to all this is the emotional piece. OK....I guess I should say that also is a positive. It's both where traditional surrogacy is concerned. Although, at the very start of all this, I had no idea that even in the surrogacy world, we would be considered unusual.
Now before you read on I have to tell you, we were all medically tested. This is a sorce of discomfort for some people. Everyone received a glowing bill of health, so we marched on with our plans. We had to do inseminations. I decided to do them with my obgyn, instead of doing them at home. Well, atleast at the start of our journey. We did procede with some home inseminations when after the first month I didn't get pregnant. Let me tell you, talk about uncomfortable. They greeted us at our door, with a little brown bag. You can guess what was in it. From the looks on their faces it appeared they wanted to leave the little brown bag on the stoop and run. It was a bit humorous. The insems were no big deal, in fact compared to the twins, it was a piece of cake. It took 6 months of clocking my cycle, brown little bags, and doctors appointments before I became pregnant. I had also begun my nursing program so I had that as a distraction. It also helped that Piper was in the middle of her first surrogacy.
I was on top of the world during my pregnancy. I purchased the cutest maternity outfits know to man and women.We found out at 20 weeks that I was carring a girl. Now, some of you may be wondering how that felt to me. I mean I had two boys. I also had two step-daughters. I have to tell you I was thrilled. I knew this wasn't my baby, but on the very primal level it was. She is and always will be Edward and Clays daughter, but that little piece of me that knew her right from conception, that's the part that makes me her mother, surrogate or otherwise.. You can decide.

Friendship

I had decided to be a traditional surrogate. I would use my own egg and the intended families sperm. I was also going to do this with the intention of not telling many people. I received the same response when people heard I was a surrogate, "How could you give up your baby?", than they would hear donor egg and the tight stoned faces would change to soft warm ones. "WHAT A GIFT" I would hear. But, I ask you if know one was willing to help, their wouldn't be donor egg either.
I went with Growing Generations again, I knew I wanted to help another gay couple, this agency had been a good fit. Again, I received profiles. Again, we went for our first meeting. Edward and Clay sat at a table looking over the Mississippi River, the restaurant was nice, buffet was being served. They stood when they saw us walk in. Edward who had dark hair, brown eyes, and medium build, jumped when he saw us walk in. Clay who had light brown hair and hazel eyes, smiled but seemed a bit more reserved. Tom instantly liked Edward who didn't stop smiling throughout the whole meal. He seemed to digest every morsel of conversation that we seemed to be leading. They asked the normal questions. "Why did you decide to be a surrogate? Why did you decide to be a traditional surrogate? Questions we expected and many more we didn't. I felt at this point they could throw anything at me on the subject and I would have it covered. We in turn though many a question back at them. You could say in was like watching a tennis match. Clay was a nurse and was interested in the fact that I was starting on my RN in the fall, "Great I thought, a topic of conversation!" Not to mention a resource later on.  We left our lunch feeling optimistic about this couple. Edward was a social worker, going to be working on his PhD in the fall at Harvard. I knew I had to think deeply about this journey, but somewhere I knew their would be a baby in all of our future.
Before I wrap this one up, I want to mention a friend of mine. Her name is Piper. She was a nurse at "The birthplace", and since we live in a small town we had bumped into each other from time to time. I believe after I graduated from nursing school she was also the reason I was given my position I still hold at "The Birthplace". She is going to be weaved through my story. After reconnecting she decided to be a surrogate mother. Her stories are as rich and colorful as mine. She helped me get through some of the dark moments that did exist following my pregnancy's. As fate would have it my last couple and hers would create the nontraditional family I now have.

A moment in time

I have to fast forward to present time just for today. Sunday my oldest child graduated high school. When he was born I thought, nothing in the universe is this amazing! Nothing could take my breath away with a sudden skinned knee, or a smile that was just for me. The sincere earnest way he said "Mommy",  I ask you, Is there a better word??
Tommy started it all. The complete unconditional love you have for your child.  From the first minute I saw his little 8 lb. 15 oz , 21 inches long self, to his now impressive 6ft. 7in. self.

 His smile still makes me simply happy.

I was the proudest Mom when I saw him receive his diploma.
I love you Tommy.
Mom

Yours, Mine, Ours, and Others: A Family

Yours, Mine, Ours, and Others: A Family: "In the hospital we basically shared the same room. Trevor, Dennis, and the babies had their official room, but mine turned out to be the hot..."

A Family

In the hospital we basically shared the same room. Trevor, Dennis, and the babies had their official room, but mine turned out to be the hot spot. Trevor's parents flew in from LA, Calf.,they also spent a fair amount of time in my room. I breastfeed the babies, I was happy that my milk would have a purpose this time. It felt like a loss to me before to just have my milk dry up.
I recall one particular feeding, I had James with me, and he was nursing without any problems. I looked into his little face and instantly felt a bond. His big eyes took over that little young round face. When I say a bond I don't mean as if he were mine. It was as if I knew this little being for the longest time and we were sharing a special moment. I would imagine him thinking,"Hey, I know this gal, she's ok.", After the feeding I brought him down the hall to see his father, I was a bit weepy, Trevor asked if I was ok, I was except for this small aching feeling of melancholy. I would miss the babies, I didn't want them, but it seemed logical that I would miss them. When I looked at James and Paige I didn't see my children, they looked nothing like my blond haired blue eyed kids, they had dark hair, dark brown eyes and a temperament that didn't match my growing babes back home.  Trevor lived in New York City so they were an easy two hour drive away.  Our plan was to go for a visit in about one week.
I didn't pump my breast milk for them but when we saw them two weeks later, Trevor said, "Do you want to try, I knew most of my supply was down but I didn't care. Trevor had a small apartment in Greenwich village, it was a sweet little brownstone that didn't scream family. It quietly stated in all the manicured walls, time to find a new home guys. The apartment had a small kitchen that hooked to an even smaller bathroom. They had what I would guess to be a 10'x6' living room. That room held their crib and oversized couch, that was all it held. Right next to the living room was their bedroom. Another cramped space. For now it all worked, their was bits and pieces of their momentary lost life. Movie posters from Trevor"s recent film, Dennis had scripts thrown around to match what was still going on in his life. They did share the baby duties but it was clear that Trevor was their main parent. Trevor and Dennis had started getting serious during the pregnancy and had moved in together around my 20 weeks of pregnancy mark. He was devoted but still was moving forward with his career. Trevor wanted to focus on his two new loves.
I went into the semi private bedroom with both the twins to try to nurse them. To my surprise the week didn't seem to make a difference. They had a bottle for all that time but nursed without incident. They nursed and I looked at their little features. A few hours later we left with tears in our eyes, and promises to see each other soon. We did a few months later.
I went home with a plan. I was going to finally go back to school and get my nursing degree. My plan was to work at the birthplace, with all those amazing nursing that had helped me during my labors and delivery's. I had been taking prerequisite classes since I finished High School, all with the intention of being a registered nurse. Now I knew what type of nursing I was going to strive toward. I knew I would have another baby. I knew it would be my own biology, and I knew that it would be a completely different road.

Meet James and Paige

  I went into labor without even knowing it. I was 37 weeks pregnant, great by all standards for twins. I did it, kept them inside long enough to thrive on the outside. I thought I was going to miss the now massive movements that reassured me that they were content in their surroundings. It was just a routine visit with my midwife, check my cervix, blood pressure, and send me on my way. My appointment was with Susan, she checked me and said, "You're seven centimeters, you need to get to the hospital now!". I couldn't believe it, how could I possibly be in labor? I hadn't felt one contraction. We had just ordered pizza, and Susan wasn't on call at the hospital. "Couldn't I just wait until tomorrow?" I asked. I promise I'll come right in, first thing in the morning. Susan was on call the next day. Her response a definitive ..."NO". I'll check in to make sure all is well but you are in labor, the sooner you get there the better.
To my complete dismay I went across the street to the hospital. Tom called home to make sure all was well with the kids, and also to make sure we had family coming to watch the kids and relieve the sitter.
   Tom once again, now knowing what his role was in all this, called Trevor to let him know the babies were on their way.  At the hospital I thought yet again, maybe someday when I'm done with nursing school I will get a job here. Be part of all this excitement but from the other side. A different view point. I quickly set that thought aside and got comfortable in the bed. My nurse Deb put the electronic fetal monitor on, as sure as she put the ultrasound on my rotund belly, the babies said their hello. Still not feeling the contractions, the monitor was picking them up without a problem.
   Trevor and his partner were coming from NYC, it was around 5:30pm. Rush hour traffic, I feared they would miss the big event. The plan was to break my water as soon as they arrived. I didn't need to worry. 10:30pm they arrived. Smiles plastered on their face, was it nerves I was picking up, or shear love exploding into their faces.
  I was moved into the OR, I had my epidural in place, and was ready to push. Tom on my left side. The guys on my right. Everyone in their hats, booty's and masks in case I needed a cesarean section. The whole team was their, my midwife Sue (who later told me Susan L. called multiple times to check in.) my doctor, the OR team, and anesthesia. I was ready to push.
  The sensation was different. I was always uncomfortable when I was pushing, I had my boys natural, the Robert and Eli the epidural didn't work. I was having NO pain. I pushed James out in about a minutes time. He cried instantly, and again I looked over and Trevor had that smile that every new parent has. One that says, I know you, I love you, I'm your Daddy. It was a beautiful moment. It took a bit of time after he was born to start to feel the urge to push again. But, then the urge his and I couldn't hold back. Paige was born 10 minutes later. It was odd to feel her leaving my body. She was a good pound bigger than her little brother, and I could feel that, long before hearing her official weight of  6 lbs. 10 oz.  She hollered instantly. Cheers erupted in the delivery room. She was placed on my abdomen  He was snuggled up to his Dad.  Tom had a quiet smile on his face. All was right with the world.