Not easy

Edward and Clay left on a Wednesday,  the same day we were discharged from the hospital.  We all happily strolled down the hallway, them holding Grace in the infant carrier. I remember leaving feeling a sense of fulfillment. I knew that they were stopping by our home before leaving to catch a flight back to MN.. I had a few days off before returning to nursing school. It was all going to be fine, I would kiss them all goodbye and we'd set a date to visit.
I nursed Grace once more back at home.I remember telling myself, hold it together until they leave. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them wanting a family, that's why she's here.  Clay and Edward at this  point in our relationship had grown to be part of our family. I knew they would always be in our lives, it's honestly what held me together at this point. That and my amazing husband and dear friend Piper. Grace was placed into my life because of Edward and Clay. They would probably respond to that with the opposite response, that if it wasn't for me...but I know she's here because she was meant to be here. She's here to make their beautiful family. I helped put her there, which is the biggest honor I can think of.  I had one of the starring roles in her life!  Edward and Clay gave me a cameo with a mother and baby on it, I wear it everyday and think of them.
After they left Tom gave me a warm hug,  I excused myself and went into the bathroom where I quietly wept. I didn't want my kids to see me like this,  this was a joyous time and that's how I wanted them to remember it.  Tom stayed with me for a few days before he went back to work. I kept busy studying for my cardiac exam that was coming up the following week. The next day my milk came in with a forcefulness, it seemed to shout at me that their wasn't a baby to share it with. How could I have this reminder now? I was just trying to make it to the next minute without shedding a tear, forget about looking down and seeing my breasts look like mini basketballs. So I pulled myself together, put in a call to Piper, took some tylenol for the pain, and wore a tight jog bra. Sad to see my milk dry up, but knowing that Grace was to far to realistically (with school and kids), pump, store, and ship my milk, that was what we decided was the best choice.
The guys called me when they arrived home to tell me what I had missed since they left. It was fantastic to hear there voices. They said she did well on the flight, and they were proud to announce they survived the first day alone with their daughter.  I couldn't have been happier. I helped create another family, but this time it felt as if I had truly expanded mine.