The Rosie Cruise.

We found out I was having a girl. I was overjoyed. I knew that I would be in her life, I would be able to see her grow. Her father's as you can imagine were thrilled. They had two boys and would gladly make room in their lives for some pink.
Our extended family decided to make it a point to vacation together. This particular year we went on the Rosie O'donnell cruise. I was around 28 weeks pregnant. I received the stamped approval from my OBGYN and off we went. Edward and Grace, Tom and Sam, Presely, Michael and the boys. We were planning this trip for almost a year, the excitment was palpable! I remember being the only pregnant women on a ship of primarily gay families. Our unique family unit was not out of the ordinary, in fact we were down right ordinary. I spent my days during that vacation just wishing the moments could be frozen. I cherished the babies little kicks. I looked at my belly and thought, I love this little unique family I helped create.
I remember seeing Rosie O'donnell on the ship, she smiled and chatting with her guests. She didn't seem put out by it at all, in fact she seemed to welcome the smiling families.
That trip will go down in my memory as simply beautiful. Waking up and meeting in the hallway, planning our day, seeing Aiden running down the hall calling to his Dads, "I'm going to Mommy's room!".
I have a picture from the cruise where Aiden is touching my very pregnant belly. I look at that picture every so often and think how lucky am I?!

Hard times

It took us months to get pregnant. Presley wanted a biological child, and he needed surgery to make that happen. My own family was going through one of the hardest thing a parent can go through. A very sick child. My step daughter whom I helped raise since the early age of three was diagnosed with Crohns disease. An autoimmune disorder that affects the whole GI tract, her mouth would be covered in sores, she would have fierce stomach pains, the bathroom was her most visited room. We spent a great deal of time at Baystate Medical Center in Springfield Ma., the doctors decided to perform a colectomy on her. Which meant they were removing her large colon. She would have to have an ostomy, a man made passage to create another passage for stool. I realize this is pretty harsh stuff to read, imagine now if you were an eighteen year old girl. I spent the month at Baystate with her, I was concerned with her health but also concerned with her mental state. This was a major event in her life and she was at risk for depression.
   It was during that hospital stay that I found out I was pregnant. I called the guys to share the news. Everyone was happy of course but the focus was on our child, we knew that the time would come where she was stable and we could celebrate.
  I was so proud of her. She went through the three hour surgery without incident. We paced and paced. The surgeon came out and said things went well and the ostomy may be temorary. I was concerned with how she would respond to it. She would have to take care of it, where do we start? As a nurse I worked maternity, I had no idea (except for a few lectures) how to take care of an ostomy. Once she was out of recovery we went back to her hospital room, now as familiar to me as my own home, she woke up and looked under her gown. Her response was suttle. A bit of a tear formed in the corner of her eye, she seemed to notice that all eyes were on her reaction and she smiled. She knew that she had been sick for some time and this may be the start to some freedom. I watched the ostomy nurse give us instructions thinking I would be the one taking care of it for her. She insisted on doing it, and she did.
My pregnancy was in the early stages, it was a light during a dark time.

How much money do you make??

I've decided to give the answer to the long awaited question.  How much money do you make being a surrogate? Well....as you can imagine once you decide to be a surrogate there is compensation. That was never my concern. My concern was regarding if I couldn't work, I didn't want to put my family at risk to create a family for someone else.
So I started off researching. I felt in the pit of my stomach that this was not about the money. Let me say that again. This was NOT about the money. People ask me this ALL the time. Surrogate mothers get a bad rap, it's consistently looked at as if their selling their babies for a big wad of money. So, as you can imagine this idea, breaks my heart. We"re not SELLING our children. We are selling our time, our energy, and the losses that our family have to endure. Example: Mommy having to stay in bed for months.
Again, Not about the money. In fact I felt that the money should go to my family for being such good sports about the whole thing.
The answer to the question HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE? Is it depends. It typically ranges anywhere between 10,000 to 30,000. Not nearly what I make in a year at work. Granted they also help our with childcare, prescription, and if I am our of work they compensate my lost wages.
I have always been very sensitive on this subject..almost defensive.  I love all of these children and never once thought of them as a paycheck...never.
But, people ask and I thought I should just finally make it clear. Someone once asked me if it was close to a million? I laughed. First off, I would never take that much money.
My personal reason for the surrogacy's was the help other families have children. It was also to enjoy being pregnant again. And with Presley and Michael it was the relationship I craved.
On the roll of inappropriate questions, I once had a "friend"  ask me if Presley and Charlie didn't want or couldn't take the baby if I would give her the baby?!!!! What?? If something changed or something happened to them, this is my biological baby why would anyone just ask if they could have the baby?? The baby would have stayed with us. I get so many annoying questions. That being said, I love questions. About the process and how close we all are now, honestly I could talk about it all day long....
So next blog is going to be on the my last baby Rose!!

Routine

We got into a routine, daily calls, daily phone pics, monthly visits. I needed this schedule to keep my sanity. We would end a visit and we would be planning our next. It was comfortable, like mid winter sitting by the fire with your cozy wool socks on.  Of course we traded trips, one month I would go there, the next here. It seemed to be working, but it was a bit draining.
The first visit was to their house. I hadn't driven there by myself yet, and being only a few weeks postpartum I didn't want to start now. I took the train in ending in Grand Central Station in NYC. Presley met me at the station. I got into his car and he gave me a warm smile. A genuine happiness flooded his face. He stated to me that he had been concerned about my depression, to the point that he called Tom privately to talk about it. Tom assured him that, yes this was a different situation but I always have struggled with Postpartum depression. He explained that with support from everyone I would be fine.This fact made my face heat up, I was touched that they were concerned about me. I was thrilled that they weren't thinking I was this crazy women who wanted her baby back. That was never it.  I missed him, he was a part of me, I was his mother, but they were his parents.  They were his home.
That first visit Aiden was only a few weeks old. Their full time nanny was their when I arrived. She was holding him and quickly brought him over to me. Their nanny Kate, has always encouraged the correct vocabulary with the kids. Example, Look how he's smiling at Mommy". Again, reassuring my role in their lives. I was still breastfeeding at this time, and I was anxious to see if he would latch. He did right away, and although he needed a bottle to top him off, I was overjoyed that I could still give him the milk, I wished I could pump for him full time. During our visits Aiden would sleep with me, at least during one point of the night.
We all went out to a restaurant with some friends of the guys. The waitress came around, who they seemed to know. She asked who's beautiful baby is that? Presley with a large warm smile, looked at me and said, "Well, that's his mother.", She had known about the pregnancy and congratulated the three of us. It was a proud moment.
Goodbyes are always the toughest part of our relationship. I have to get myself psyched up for it. During this visit (later visits I just drive down and it seems less stressful) I held it together, I nursed him and thought, In one month he may not want to nurse. But, I would continue to pump some breast milk for him. That was a bitter sweet moment. I remember it being rushed because of my departure time. But, wanting the moment to just keep running like a record that plays the same song over and over. You know, your favorite song you could listen to again and again.
We said our goodbyes and made our next date. We also had to start planning. They wanted another baby.

The days following

After our amazing hospital stay the guys stayed a week at our house. Aiden slept with me, I nursed him on demand. The guys also gave him bottles to prepare him for not having the breast. To say that this period of time was the happiest and most traumatic of my life would be accurate.  I never had this kind of relationship with my other couples. Presley and Michael called Aiden my baby from the start. "Here go see Mommy;"  when ever they handed him to me.  I adored this little baby, he was a part of me and these incredible men didn't hide that, they embellished our unique relationship to everyone we met. I adored them for that.  That week was magical, cuddles, breastfeeding, and having all these lovely men take care of me. What could be better?
My postpartum depression hit around day three post delivery. I sat in the bathroom and cried to myself, asking questions like, how could I do this? I did this before but THIS was different. I opened myself up to being completely vulnerable, I embraced this family, I belonged in this new family. They of course had their family unit,  I got to play a supporting role. What an important role! I thought this that whole week, and pretty much everyday since I've had Aiden.
This same week my step daughter Brittanie had her prom. We had people over, took pictures of the cute couple on their way to the big event. All the while in my mind the clock was ticking, they would be heading back home on Sunday, I had two more days with them, then they were coming back in a few days to celebrate Brittanie's graduation. Every moment I was alone with Tom I cried, I cried when he looked at me, I knew I could be honest with him and not worry about my true emotions. I also kept in touch with Piper during this time, she had gone through another surrogacy that was her biology as well, besides the distance it was a similar  situation, two dads, she was the mother. We confided in each other because truly no one could understand these feelings. We didn't give our babies up for adoption, they wouldn't be here if  our couples didn't want them. But, that doesn't change the emotional, biological, and social pull that we had and still have to these children. Tom and Piper were my lifeline during this time. I also had a good friend Megan who had never been a surrogate but listened without judgement and just gave me unconditional support. I will always be thankful to her for that.
The night before the guys left I couldn't sleep. I stayed up nursing Aiden, just looking into his sweet eyes. He was so loved and cherished. Presley and Michael needed to get to know their son, he had been with me most of the week. I knew that they would be keeping me posted on every detail of his life. The day they left I didn't hold it together well, they were aware of my tearful nights as well as days. Presley looked at me and said, "Someday you'll be a little old lady in a nursing home, and Aiden will be there visiting with the rest of the kids." He could not have said anything that resonated in my heart the way that did.  His words were authentic, they would be here for the duration. He never wavered from our initial conversations. They understood, and only showed me support.  At some point during this time, I decided they were forever going to be in my life and in a very intimate role, I trusted that I could share my thoughts without fear of loosing them. I did want them to enjoy this new beginning without worrying about me, it was a balance. Tom was my anchor...again.

Aiden

The day I had Aiden seemed like any other. I didn't start by having contractions, it started with a routine trip to my midwife. I went into the office, chipper with my pregnancy fuel, sat down on the sterile sheet and waited for Susan.  The office was a bit busy that day so I settled into a nice magazine and enjoyed the silence. Susan came in and asked the usual questions, how are you feeling? Headaches? Contractions? Baby moving? All checked out perfectly. She than checked my cervix and stated with minimal enthusiasm "your 1cm still, would you like me to strip your membranes." What this mean is that the midwife sweeps her fingers between the bag of water and the cervix. The idea is the stimulate labor, possibly by irritation or sending our hormones to augment dilation. I decided why not, I was a few days post dates and thought, this isn't to invasive, I was started to hit that uncomfortable stage and was getting a bit nervous that I would go into labor and the guys would miss his birth.
The day went on and I became a bit crampy, I called the guys and said they should probably come and spend the night, just in case. They did, before they arrived I decided I should probably go to the hospital. The cramping had increased to contractions and they seemed to be coming frequently. Now you may be thinking, "This is her 8th baby, she should be pop that kid out." I wish it was that simple. In fact Aiden was my toughest birth.  When Presley and Michael arrived I was still feeling jovial between contractions but as the night went on my sense of humor did as well.
My kids came to the hospital thinking that they would either A. watch the delivery or B. come in soon after but keep an eye on Oscar to the guys could be present and not worry about him.  A little of each happened. The kids would come in and out until labor became intense, at that point Tommy and Sam kept Oscar while Brittanie who was a pro at this (she was with us when I had Sam) stayed and watched the main event.  I became dilated slowly but surely, when I became 10 cm and was ready to push I thought to myself, "ok, your almost there." I pushed for what seemed to long in my experienced memory. The guys looked as if they were standing in the middle of a four lane highway, stuck out of fear of being hit.  Tom standing by me, as always my calm in the middle of chaos. When I finally got to the point where Aiden's head was crowning, I overheard his heart rate on monitor. I'm not sure if I wasn't a nurse already if I would have noticed but I did. My heart rate increased as I heard his plumet.  His head was born, all I had to do was push the rest of him out. Not coming, I looked up and saw our OBGYN doc on call, the midwife Sue must have called her in. That's also not a good sign. I could not push the rest of him out. I looked at Tom and screamed, "Get him out".  I have never said that.  I again looked over at the guys and they looked like they were going to vomit or run.  A couple of pushes after that point, and some major manipulation he was born. He had the umbilical cord wrapped around his tiny body, it was literally like a rope holding him up. He cry'd right away, as did the whole room. Sue put him on my chest, this amazing creature that looked exactly like my two older boys. He nursed soon after delivery, looked up at me as if to say, that was rough huh?

Preterm labor...again

The definition of preterm labor is contractions that are changing your cervix. You can have contractions all day long, and not necessarily be moving towards labor. The scary piece is that you don't know when your cervix has changed. We see a lot of women at work that come in contracting and simply are dehydrated, have an infection, or simply need to take it easy. Sometimes, we see the real deal, someone who is going to deliver a preterm baby. Depending on how many weeks pregnant the mom is this can cause extreme anxiety for everyone involved. Most of the time the team of docs and midwives ere on the side of  rest, hydration, and treat the cause.
I was on the wrong side of the equation, I was 28 weeks pregnant with Aiden when the contractions started. Working, I thought maybe it was my imagination. It wasn't. I told the charge nurse what was going on, asked if I could give report on my patients and put myself on the electronic fetal monitor to check out how often my contractions were coming. As it turned out they were 2 to 3 minutes apart, I asked the midwife on call the check my cervix and was found to be a finger tip dilated and had some effacement as well. The not so comical part of this story was that at the same time, two other pregnant nurses on my floor were going through the same thing. One was already an inpatient, the other started contracting the next day as I lay in my hospital bed.  The nurse Paula, came over to me and said, "what do you think, can you palpate my stomach to see if you feel contractions?" I did, she was later transferred to a larger hospital being more at risk for delivery.
All I could think of was, I have to care and keep this baby inside as long as possible. I was given medications to slow the contractions down.  They worked, I was sent home on, you guessed it bed rest ! Tom being the ever patient man, fed me my many meals, took care of the house hold, and brought me to all my appointments. The guys were amazing as well, daily telephone calls to check in, and just being an added support for Tom.  Our kids helped out to, they kept me company, and loved seeing my growing belly.
I kept Aiden in for the designated time period, and then some. I was off bed rest at 36 weeks gestation and than the wait to meet him began.