The days following

After our amazing hospital stay the guys stayed a week at our house. Aiden slept with me, I nursed him on demand. The guys also gave him bottles to prepare him for not having the breast. To say that this period of time was the happiest and most traumatic of my life would be accurate.  I never had this kind of relationship with my other couples. Presley and Michael called Aiden my baby from the start. "Here go see Mommy;"  when ever they handed him to me.  I adored this little baby, he was a part of me and these incredible men didn't hide that, they embellished our unique relationship to everyone we met. I adored them for that.  That week was magical, cuddles, breastfeeding, and having all these lovely men take care of me. What could be better?
My postpartum depression hit around day three post delivery. I sat in the bathroom and cried to myself, asking questions like, how could I do this? I did this before but THIS was different. I opened myself up to being completely vulnerable, I embraced this family, I belonged in this new family. They of course had their family unit,  I got to play a supporting role. What an important role! I thought this that whole week, and pretty much everyday since I've had Aiden.
This same week my step daughter Brittanie had her prom. We had people over, took pictures of the cute couple on their way to the big event. All the while in my mind the clock was ticking, they would be heading back home on Sunday, I had two more days with them, then they were coming back in a few days to celebrate Brittanie's graduation. Every moment I was alone with Tom I cried, I cried when he looked at me, I knew I could be honest with him and not worry about my true emotions. I also kept in touch with Piper during this time, she had gone through another surrogacy that was her biology as well, besides the distance it was a similar  situation, two dads, she was the mother. We confided in each other because truly no one could understand these feelings. We didn't give our babies up for adoption, they wouldn't be here if  our couples didn't want them. But, that doesn't change the emotional, biological, and social pull that we had and still have to these children. Tom and Piper were my lifeline during this time. I also had a good friend Megan who had never been a surrogate but listened without judgement and just gave me unconditional support. I will always be thankful to her for that.
The night before the guys left I couldn't sleep. I stayed up nursing Aiden, just looking into his sweet eyes. He was so loved and cherished. Presley and Michael needed to get to know their son, he had been with me most of the week. I knew that they would be keeping me posted on every detail of his life. The day they left I didn't hold it together well, they were aware of my tearful nights as well as days. Presley looked at me and said, "Someday you'll be a little old lady in a nursing home, and Aiden will be there visiting with the rest of the kids." He could not have said anything that resonated in my heart the way that did.  His words were authentic, they would be here for the duration. He never wavered from our initial conversations. They understood, and only showed me support.  At some point during this time, I decided they were forever going to be in my life and in a very intimate role, I trusted that I could share my thoughts without fear of loosing them. I did want them to enjoy this new beginning without worrying about me, it was a balance. Tom was my anchor...again.