2011

     The end of the year is almost here and I have to admit I'm looking forward to 2011 slipping away quietly. The year had it's challenges, but; what I did learn from it is this, the moment you conceive a child they are their own little person. You may feel as though this bundle is just an extension of yourself but truly they are unique beings who were their true selves before even taking their first breath.
     We can guide our children to make the right choices, but it's up to them to take what lessons you gave them and grow. My children are remarkable, sometimes maddening, sometimes mesmerizing. I can just sit and watch them, a bystander in awe of what I created.
    My oldest turned nineteen this year. He has a girlfriend and doesn't yet know what he wants to do with his life.He'll figure it out but I know that after years of trying to direct him; it's his turn to take wheel. My fifteen year old continues to suprise me, he looks at me and I just can't help noticing how mature he's become. The girls are now 24 and 22. They're still children in my eyes, although I'm slowing evolving to the fact that they are young adults who make their own choices in life, because that's how it goes. Individual people, my lesson for 2011 is it's time for me to cut the umbilical cord and let them be who they were meant to be.

1989

       I graduated High School in 1989, oh how I loved the 80's. What's not to love, permed hair, scrunchy socks, and of course my beloved grandmother. It was a crazy time in my life, the thrill of approaching adulthood mixed with feeling of remorse over a childhood that would slip away at any moment. At this time in my life my grandmother (who for all intense and purpose raised me) was dying of a emphysema a miserable life sucking lung disease. She was a smoker, but I've never been one to blame the smoker. You see I'm as antismoking as you can possibly get, but I'll tell you anyone that had ever met my grandmother (Rosie) would tell you she needed a vice. She had some troubled children, as well as a troubled spouse. They didn't mean to be, they just were. They were an interesting bunch, my family. In the Lahoski (my maiden name) household their was always yelling, smoking, and the most guttural tight mucous filled cough you can imagine coming from my grandparents room. She fought for air every waking moments those last years of her life, I believe in some ways she fought for me. She knew how much I needed her then, in some ways I always will. Who doesn't need a parent?
     My grandmother never finished High School, she went off to babysit to send money home to her poor parents, than came her husband and family of five; four boys and my mother. It's a familiar story to most, poor women meets love of her life, settles down to raise a family than a disaster strikes. My grandfather was diagnosed with a mental illness. To this day I'm not sure if he was diagnosed as having major depressive disorder or bipolar. Doesn't matter either way at this point, a mental illness tears apart a family. Someone whom you love with all your heart turns into someone you and they don't recognize. It's funny what you remember as a child, I remember him being in his room all the time, except when he was up at 3am percolating his coffee and making eggs. He had a warm smile that crept up and made all the yelling that proceded in the day tolerable. That or I didn't know any different. The yelling didn't usually come from my grandparents but from one of their adult children. Looking back I can strongly attest that several of them had a mental illness of their own. Was it from growing up with a father in and out of mental wards or was it simply genetics?
    My childhood had high points. My grandfather calling me in hours before "The Wizard Of Oz" started to make sure that I wouldn't miss it. My grandmother's delicious polish food. If your wondering where my mother was she was there as well. She I believe just hadn't matured enough to be a mother, she was stuck at age 14. Stuck in her time warp of counting to make sure things were all there, counting to make sure that her world doesn't fall apart if she doesn't count to the magic number. Mental illness tears apart families.

Three!

My beautiful Rose turned three this week. I went to see the guys this past weekend in New Jersey to celebrate her birthday. There home filled with beautiful antiques that the children seem to not care about was also filled with Disney character's for the special day. "Mommy!", I heard when I entered the house. Sam my fourteen year old and his friend came along to celebrate the occasion. Rose who has a perfect mix of her Dad and myself, looks at me as if I am always there. Her brown softly curled hair up in pigtails. Her world is complete. She has her Dads and brothers who fill her world with everything she needs, and she has me.

My perfect birth

The day began like any other. Isn't that how most important days start? I woke up, showered, than I got all dolled up for my baby shower. My close coworkers and friends were throwing me a shower of sorts. It was actually a shower to show their support and love for what I was doing. It wasn't exactly to get the baby tons of sweet outfits, no diaper cakes for me that day, it was a day that was just for me. I arrived at my friend Kate's home, a spread of unbelievable yummy food was spread out on her dining room table, smiling faces greeted me everywhere. The fun spin on this day was my friend Kate was also pregnant with her second baby, Piper was pregnant with her surrogate baby, and my friend Wendy, yup also pregnant with a surrogate baby. We took the best belly picture that day. All four of us lined up grinning ear to ear.
I received this lovely basket of rich body butters, lotions, and the warmest pink bathrobe I ever owned. I ate lavender cake that was made from scratch from another one of my closest work friends. It was simply a perfect event.
Then I went home, called Michael and Presley to tell them all about my day. No, I said in answer to Presley's question, any labor signs? It had been a pretty quiet day as far as contractions went, I was 39 weeks pregnant and since all my other babies were close to their due date if not over due I felt confident in telling them it could be another week or two even. We hung up the phone, I went about my day. Next thing on my to do list, pick up Sam from school. I had Tom come with me, he was home from work and I wanted his company. That's when the contractions started. They came with a vengence. All the way home (which was all of five minutes) I remember thinking, this can't be real labor. I always need some help getting my babies out. Some sort of interventions are needed. We arrived home, and I told Tom I was going to soak in the tub. He asked if he should call Michael and Presley. No, I responded, I think this may be false labor, let's give it some time. Time was the one thing I didn't have. I got in the tub and the contractions didn't slow down, they got stronger and longer. This I knew well was true labor. Call the guys I said, I hope they can make it! Tom called Presley's cell phone, no answer. He called their home phone, he got their nanny Katherine on the phone. Panic in her voice she said, I'll find him!
I decided not to wait much longer. I could tell I was dilating fast. I told Tom we had to go, and very quickly. Their were minor details like, Tom was waiting for his pizza to be delivered and wanted to wait a bit for it (on his behalf my labors are always long and drawn out, he was just getting himself fueled for an expected long night). The kids were all set, Sam was at a birthday party and Britt was with Tommy getting me a new camara that decided to break at my shower.
Meanwhile Katherine got ahold of Presley who was out entertaining the boys at a Funplex. He than tried to reach Michael who never carries his cell phone. Presley called to check in but I was way to preoccupied to chat. Tom managed all the phone calls. At this point we were getting into the car, on our way to the hospital. I was in the car and could feel that it was only going to be minutes before she arrived. I told Tom to call the hospital (again I knew who was working due to my party) and said to tell them to get a birthing table ready for  me and to have my midwife Maggie meet me downstairs. I think at this point Tom realized it was the real thing and he wasn't going to have to wait long. We arrived at the hospital, Maggie met me downstairs in the corridor just in time to have my water break. I didn't think I would make it up to the birthing unit, the elevator ride seemed like an eternity. I was hoping for a water birth so I was put into the magical room 308 where I had delivered all my babies. It seems so amazing to me at the time that out of all the birthing rooms I was lucky enough to have had all five of my biological babies in the same room. The tub didn't happen, I got on the bed and within 15 minutes of getting here I had pushed three times and birthed my/our beautiful baby girl. Rose screamed with a vigor that was unlike the others. She was a beautiful shade of pink and after she calmed down she looked up at me, and then started nursing. The guys were called, they missed it. They would not have made it even if they got in the car and raced the whole way. Labor was an hour and a half. She was my perfect birth.

The Rosie Cruise.

We found out I was having a girl. I was overjoyed. I knew that I would be in her life, I would be able to see her grow. Her father's as you can imagine were thrilled. They had two boys and would gladly make room in their lives for some pink.
Our extended family decided to make it a point to vacation together. This particular year we went on the Rosie O'donnell cruise. I was around 28 weeks pregnant. I received the stamped approval from my OBGYN and off we went. Edward and Grace, Tom and Sam, Presely, Michael and the boys. We were planning this trip for almost a year, the excitment was palpable! I remember being the only pregnant women on a ship of primarily gay families. Our unique family unit was not out of the ordinary, in fact we were down right ordinary. I spent my days during that vacation just wishing the moments could be frozen. I cherished the babies little kicks. I looked at my belly and thought, I love this little unique family I helped create.
I remember seeing Rosie O'donnell on the ship, she smiled and chatting with her guests. She didn't seem put out by it at all, in fact she seemed to welcome the smiling families.
That trip will go down in my memory as simply beautiful. Waking up and meeting in the hallway, planning our day, seeing Aiden running down the hall calling to his Dads, "I'm going to Mommy's room!".
I have a picture from the cruise where Aiden is touching my very pregnant belly. I look at that picture every so often and think how lucky am I?!

Hard times

It took us months to get pregnant. Presley wanted a biological child, and he needed surgery to make that happen. My own family was going through one of the hardest thing a parent can go through. A very sick child. My step daughter whom I helped raise since the early age of three was diagnosed with Crohns disease. An autoimmune disorder that affects the whole GI tract, her mouth would be covered in sores, she would have fierce stomach pains, the bathroom was her most visited room. We spent a great deal of time at Baystate Medical Center in Springfield Ma., the doctors decided to perform a colectomy on her. Which meant they were removing her large colon. She would have to have an ostomy, a man made passage to create another passage for stool. I realize this is pretty harsh stuff to read, imagine now if you were an eighteen year old girl. I spent the month at Baystate with her, I was concerned with her health but also concerned with her mental state. This was a major event in her life and she was at risk for depression.
   It was during that hospital stay that I found out I was pregnant. I called the guys to share the news. Everyone was happy of course but the focus was on our child, we knew that the time would come where she was stable and we could celebrate.
  I was so proud of her. She went through the three hour surgery without incident. We paced and paced. The surgeon came out and said things went well and the ostomy may be temorary. I was concerned with how she would respond to it. She would have to take care of it, where do we start? As a nurse I worked maternity, I had no idea (except for a few lectures) how to take care of an ostomy. Once she was out of recovery we went back to her hospital room, now as familiar to me as my own home, she woke up and looked under her gown. Her response was suttle. A bit of a tear formed in the corner of her eye, she seemed to notice that all eyes were on her reaction and she smiled. She knew that she had been sick for some time and this may be the start to some freedom. I watched the ostomy nurse give us instructions thinking I would be the one taking care of it for her. She insisted on doing it, and she did.
My pregnancy was in the early stages, it was a light during a dark time.

How much money do you make??

I've decided to give the answer to the long awaited question.  How much money do you make being a surrogate? Well....as you can imagine once you decide to be a surrogate there is compensation. That was never my concern. My concern was regarding if I couldn't work, I didn't want to put my family at risk to create a family for someone else.
So I started off researching. I felt in the pit of my stomach that this was not about the money. Let me say that again. This was NOT about the money. People ask me this ALL the time. Surrogate mothers get a bad rap, it's consistently looked at as if their selling their babies for a big wad of money. So, as you can imagine this idea, breaks my heart. We"re not SELLING our children. We are selling our time, our energy, and the losses that our family have to endure. Example: Mommy having to stay in bed for months.
Again, Not about the money. In fact I felt that the money should go to my family for being such good sports about the whole thing.
The answer to the question HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE? Is it depends. It typically ranges anywhere between 10,000 to 30,000. Not nearly what I make in a year at work. Granted they also help our with childcare, prescription, and if I am our of work they compensate my lost wages.
I have always been very sensitive on this subject..almost defensive.  I love all of these children and never once thought of them as a paycheck...never.
But, people ask and I thought I should just finally make it clear. Someone once asked me if it was close to a million? I laughed. First off, I would never take that much money.
My personal reason for the surrogacy's was the help other families have children. It was also to enjoy being pregnant again. And with Presley and Michael it was the relationship I craved.
On the roll of inappropriate questions, I once had a "friend"  ask me if Presley and Charlie didn't want or couldn't take the baby if I would give her the baby?!!!! What?? If something changed or something happened to them, this is my biological baby why would anyone just ask if they could have the baby?? The baby would have stayed with us. I get so many annoying questions. That being said, I love questions. About the process and how close we all are now, honestly I could talk about it all day long....
So next blog is going to be on the my last baby Rose!!

Routine

We got into a routine, daily calls, daily phone pics, monthly visits. I needed this schedule to keep my sanity. We would end a visit and we would be planning our next. It was comfortable, like mid winter sitting by the fire with your cozy wool socks on.  Of course we traded trips, one month I would go there, the next here. It seemed to be working, but it was a bit draining.
The first visit was to their house. I hadn't driven there by myself yet, and being only a few weeks postpartum I didn't want to start now. I took the train in ending in Grand Central Station in NYC. Presley met me at the station. I got into his car and he gave me a warm smile. A genuine happiness flooded his face. He stated to me that he had been concerned about my depression, to the point that he called Tom privately to talk about it. Tom assured him that, yes this was a different situation but I always have struggled with Postpartum depression. He explained that with support from everyone I would be fine.This fact made my face heat up, I was touched that they were concerned about me. I was thrilled that they weren't thinking I was this crazy women who wanted her baby back. That was never it.  I missed him, he was a part of me, I was his mother, but they were his parents.  They were his home.
That first visit Aiden was only a few weeks old. Their full time nanny was their when I arrived. She was holding him and quickly brought him over to me. Their nanny Kate, has always encouraged the correct vocabulary with the kids. Example, Look how he's smiling at Mommy". Again, reassuring my role in their lives. I was still breastfeeding at this time, and I was anxious to see if he would latch. He did right away, and although he needed a bottle to top him off, I was overjoyed that I could still give him the milk, I wished I could pump for him full time. During our visits Aiden would sleep with me, at least during one point of the night.
We all went out to a restaurant with some friends of the guys. The waitress came around, who they seemed to know. She asked who's beautiful baby is that? Presley with a large warm smile, looked at me and said, "Well, that's his mother.", She had known about the pregnancy and congratulated the three of us. It was a proud moment.
Goodbyes are always the toughest part of our relationship. I have to get myself psyched up for it. During this visit (later visits I just drive down and it seems less stressful) I held it together, I nursed him and thought, In one month he may not want to nurse. But, I would continue to pump some breast milk for him. That was a bitter sweet moment. I remember it being rushed because of my departure time. But, wanting the moment to just keep running like a record that plays the same song over and over. You know, your favorite song you could listen to again and again.
We said our goodbyes and made our next date. We also had to start planning. They wanted another baby.

The days following

After our amazing hospital stay the guys stayed a week at our house. Aiden slept with me, I nursed him on demand. The guys also gave him bottles to prepare him for not having the breast. To say that this period of time was the happiest and most traumatic of my life would be accurate.  I never had this kind of relationship with my other couples. Presley and Michael called Aiden my baby from the start. "Here go see Mommy;"  when ever they handed him to me.  I adored this little baby, he was a part of me and these incredible men didn't hide that, they embellished our unique relationship to everyone we met. I adored them for that.  That week was magical, cuddles, breastfeeding, and having all these lovely men take care of me. What could be better?
My postpartum depression hit around day three post delivery. I sat in the bathroom and cried to myself, asking questions like, how could I do this? I did this before but THIS was different. I opened myself up to being completely vulnerable, I embraced this family, I belonged in this new family. They of course had their family unit,  I got to play a supporting role. What an important role! I thought this that whole week, and pretty much everyday since I've had Aiden.
This same week my step daughter Brittanie had her prom. We had people over, took pictures of the cute couple on their way to the big event. All the while in my mind the clock was ticking, they would be heading back home on Sunday, I had two more days with them, then they were coming back in a few days to celebrate Brittanie's graduation. Every moment I was alone with Tom I cried, I cried when he looked at me, I knew I could be honest with him and not worry about my true emotions. I also kept in touch with Piper during this time, she had gone through another surrogacy that was her biology as well, besides the distance it was a similar  situation, two dads, she was the mother. We confided in each other because truly no one could understand these feelings. We didn't give our babies up for adoption, they wouldn't be here if  our couples didn't want them. But, that doesn't change the emotional, biological, and social pull that we had and still have to these children. Tom and Piper were my lifeline during this time. I also had a good friend Megan who had never been a surrogate but listened without judgement and just gave me unconditional support. I will always be thankful to her for that.
The night before the guys left I couldn't sleep. I stayed up nursing Aiden, just looking into his sweet eyes. He was so loved and cherished. Presley and Michael needed to get to know their son, he had been with me most of the week. I knew that they would be keeping me posted on every detail of his life. The day they left I didn't hold it together well, they were aware of my tearful nights as well as days. Presley looked at me and said, "Someday you'll be a little old lady in a nursing home, and Aiden will be there visiting with the rest of the kids." He could not have said anything that resonated in my heart the way that did.  His words were authentic, they would be here for the duration. He never wavered from our initial conversations. They understood, and only showed me support.  At some point during this time, I decided they were forever going to be in my life and in a very intimate role, I trusted that I could share my thoughts without fear of loosing them. I did want them to enjoy this new beginning without worrying about me, it was a balance. Tom was my anchor...again.

Aiden

The day I had Aiden seemed like any other. I didn't start by having contractions, it started with a routine trip to my midwife. I went into the office, chipper with my pregnancy fuel, sat down on the sterile sheet and waited for Susan.  The office was a bit busy that day so I settled into a nice magazine and enjoyed the silence. Susan came in and asked the usual questions, how are you feeling? Headaches? Contractions? Baby moving? All checked out perfectly. She than checked my cervix and stated with minimal enthusiasm "your 1cm still, would you like me to strip your membranes." What this mean is that the midwife sweeps her fingers between the bag of water and the cervix. The idea is the stimulate labor, possibly by irritation or sending our hormones to augment dilation. I decided why not, I was a few days post dates and thought, this isn't to invasive, I was started to hit that uncomfortable stage and was getting a bit nervous that I would go into labor and the guys would miss his birth.
The day went on and I became a bit crampy, I called the guys and said they should probably come and spend the night, just in case. They did, before they arrived I decided I should probably go to the hospital. The cramping had increased to contractions and they seemed to be coming frequently. Now you may be thinking, "This is her 8th baby, she should be pop that kid out." I wish it was that simple. In fact Aiden was my toughest birth.  When Presley and Michael arrived I was still feeling jovial between contractions but as the night went on my sense of humor did as well.
My kids came to the hospital thinking that they would either A. watch the delivery or B. come in soon after but keep an eye on Oscar to the guys could be present and not worry about him.  A little of each happened. The kids would come in and out until labor became intense, at that point Tommy and Sam kept Oscar while Brittanie who was a pro at this (she was with us when I had Sam) stayed and watched the main event.  I became dilated slowly but surely, when I became 10 cm and was ready to push I thought to myself, "ok, your almost there." I pushed for what seemed to long in my experienced memory. The guys looked as if they were standing in the middle of a four lane highway, stuck out of fear of being hit.  Tom standing by me, as always my calm in the middle of chaos. When I finally got to the point where Aiden's head was crowning, I overheard his heart rate on monitor. I'm not sure if I wasn't a nurse already if I would have noticed but I did. My heart rate increased as I heard his plumet.  His head was born, all I had to do was push the rest of him out. Not coming, I looked up and saw our OBGYN doc on call, the midwife Sue must have called her in. That's also not a good sign. I could not push the rest of him out. I looked at Tom and screamed, "Get him out".  I have never said that.  I again looked over at the guys and they looked like they were going to vomit or run.  A couple of pushes after that point, and some major manipulation he was born. He had the umbilical cord wrapped around his tiny body, it was literally like a rope holding him up. He cry'd right away, as did the whole room. Sue put him on my chest, this amazing creature that looked exactly like my two older boys. He nursed soon after delivery, looked up at me as if to say, that was rough huh?

Preterm labor...again

The definition of preterm labor is contractions that are changing your cervix. You can have contractions all day long, and not necessarily be moving towards labor. The scary piece is that you don't know when your cervix has changed. We see a lot of women at work that come in contracting and simply are dehydrated, have an infection, or simply need to take it easy. Sometimes, we see the real deal, someone who is going to deliver a preterm baby. Depending on how many weeks pregnant the mom is this can cause extreme anxiety for everyone involved. Most of the time the team of docs and midwives ere on the side of  rest, hydration, and treat the cause.
I was on the wrong side of the equation, I was 28 weeks pregnant with Aiden when the contractions started. Working, I thought maybe it was my imagination. It wasn't. I told the charge nurse what was going on, asked if I could give report on my patients and put myself on the electronic fetal monitor to check out how often my contractions were coming. As it turned out they were 2 to 3 minutes apart, I asked the midwife on call the check my cervix and was found to be a finger tip dilated and had some effacement as well. The not so comical part of this story was that at the same time, two other pregnant nurses on my floor were going through the same thing. One was already an inpatient, the other started contracting the next day as I lay in my hospital bed.  The nurse Paula, came over to me and said, "what do you think, can you palpate my stomach to see if you feel contractions?" I did, she was later transferred to a larger hospital being more at risk for delivery.
All I could think of was, I have to care and keep this baby inside as long as possible. I was given medications to slow the contractions down.  They worked, I was sent home on, you guessed it bed rest ! Tom being the ever patient man, fed me my many meals, took care of the house hold, and brought me to all my appointments. The guys were amazing as well, daily telephone calls to check in, and just being an added support for Tom.  Our kids helped out to, they kept me company, and loved seeing my growing belly.
I kept Aiden in for the designated time period, and then some. I was off bed rest at 36 weeks gestation and than the wait to meet him began.

The loves of my life

A women that has been pregnant will either tell you she loves being pregnant or it's the worst thing she's ever gone through. For me, as you can imagine, I not only loved being pregnant I glowed with a warmth that could heat a small family in the dead of winter. Clearly, to say I enjoyed being pregnant is an understatement.

 When I became pregnant with Aiden I became the best I personally could be.  I was already a nurse, my kids were getting older so I could enjoy the pregnancy, and I simply felt my best. I was always lucky enough to be one of those pregnant women that had a perfect belly. Literally, I felt like I could be a model for maternity cloths. Now, I'm not ordinarily fashion savvy, but while pregnant, I could sport the best looks, and stroll down the street like I was walking a cat walk.

Presley and Michael were on cloud nine, they had Oscar already so they were learning the ropes before Aiden came along. The guys made me feel like the goddess of fertility! The baby that was growing inside me would move and I would just stop and think, "How lucky am I, I have Presley and Michael in my life, and now I have this little life that I'm helping make".  

Tom who was always concerned with my well being would watch me like he was watching over his own child growing. Somehow, we both knew that this little one was going to change our lives. We were breaking new ground in a world that seemed to have all the frontiers crossed.  

This is going to be a short post, I'm writing this now from an amazing vacation home in Maine that we are sharing with Presley, Michael, Tom, Sam, Edward, Grace, Aiden, Oscar,  Rose (who I will get to next), Piper, her family, and her amazing surrogate couple as well as her son with them.  

Tom is sleeping and I'm listening to the ocean as it ebbs and flows, the house is quiet except for the ocean as it sings it's quiet nighttime song.  I'll continue with my pregnancy with Aiden...than Rose. Honestly, the whole reason I'm writing the blog is to get to the part that is my life now. My life that I'm constantly trying to explain to people, my life that involves the most incredible people. My life with my kids that people understand and  the kids that people forget I have and  are NEVER far from my thoughts.

Pregnant once again

It took months to become pregnant with Michaels and Presley's baby but it did happen. We went through a few months of home inseminations with just Presley's sperm, than on to IVF, I had an egg retrieval, lots of those fun filled hormones again, and then onto the transfer only to receive a negative result.
We did get to know each other on a much deeper level during this time. We flew out to CA. for the transfer, brought the kids along, as well as their newest addition. The adoption process was finally complete. They brought Oscar home into their loving, antique filled lives. He was 6 months old at the time.  Off we all went, Kassy stayed back home with her mother, Britt and the boys thrilled to be heading off the Disney World, not to mention a vacation that they would never forget. We spent all waking moments together, again I had to have my bed rest days following the transfer,  but even those moments we would have a crowded party in our room. Meanwhile, our non traditional group spent days together, getting to know Oscar and the guys getting to know our kids.  Of course as they viewed it they were the siblings of their soon to be children, why wouldn't they want to form a relationship with them.  Oscar with out a doubt would be loved by all of us, he would melt into this extra ordinary family with an ease that reminded me that children are the biggest gift. He would be the long distance brother Sam dreamed of, and the guys were happy to form that bond.Yet again another reason I admire them.
After are fun filled trip and our negative result we were not deterred. Our next plan of action use both Michaels and Presley's sperm. They stayed with us each time they came to Ma., to this day that's just how it is.  Insemination done, now it was just our usual waiting game. I would always take way to many pregnancy tests, staring at the test with an obsession that could only be matched by my desire to be pregnant in the first place.
The blue positive line showed so clearly that their was no mistaking it. I called Tom, told him the news, which by this time in our surrogacy lives was not a big surprise. I called Piper in this sequence somewhere, she would be give me her unconditional support.  Than I called the guys. Presley's response was a bit flat, really? I mean are you sure? He was hesitant to get to excited because of the several months of negative results. Once it sunk in, the two of them were over the moon!  Your probably thinking, you've done this many times already, how could this be different? It was, this pregnancy, baby, relationship changed my life.

Did you say sperm count?

Clay was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I received the news when Grace was only 2 months old. Clay called me personally to share the news. He said he was having symptoms when we were all together in the hospital having the baby, the prognosis was not good. Clay and Edward would make yearly trips to MA. from MN. around Grace's birthday which happens to correlate with Thanksgiving. It was lovely to see their little family, but with each year I could see how weak Clay was becoming. At this point I think that's all I care to share with you about Clay. Except to say, his passing when Grace was three was devastating to all of us.

I met Presley and Michael, when Grace was approximatly two years old. I felt convident in my career at this point, and felt that I was phycially ready to be pregnant again. I knew after Grace that I wanted to have another baby, I called and spoke to Clay and Edward regarding my thoughts to move forward. They gave me their blessings and I knew it was time.

I called Growing Generations and received just one profile. It was a couple that wanted a traditional surrogate. I hadn't wanted to carry multiples again, and knew with a gestational surrogacy that was a real possibility. I  was concerned at how a traditional arrangement would feel with another couple. How could I have another biological child "out there", I had grown to love and adore Edward and Clay, how could I move on without them. My biological drive took over, Tom and I once again flew to LA to meet with the new guys.

I have to tell you all when I met Presley I couldn't believe my eyes. He had been a recording artist in the late 80's and 90's, and I honestly had not heard of him. I went into the meeting with a bit of hesitation, and left with even more. Michael was tall, blond, beautiful, and had a shyness about him. Whatever Michael was lacking in projection Presley made up for with a vigor that slapped me out of whatever daydream I dared drift to during our meeting. He spoke with an attitude of a buisness man that wanted to seal the deal. I learned about his sperm count with in the first moments of our hands shaking. We discussed my cycles as if we were talking about which restaurantes served the best cuisine. Now, you may be wondering what Presley looked like, well picture Elvis Presley and you have him picture perfect in your minds eye. "Yup, I thought I'm having a baby for Elvis Presley."

We left our first meeting, and I looked at Tom and said, "Nope", can't do it. His response, "I thought they were great, maybe you could just chat with them some more.". I did, a lot. Presley listened to everything and more that I had to tell regarding my other experiences. He heard me say how difficult but at the same time joyous regarding Grace's birth. They were in the process of adopting a baby and I heard in his voice the pure love he had for the women who was giving her baby up for adoption.She was from a third world country where there was little support for a young mother. Her choice to give up her baby must have been the most difficult decision in her young life.  He refered to her as his mother, their wasn't a hint of confusion or feeling threatened by their baby's  mother. Just love that her tragic loss would be their complete gain. They would send their sincere love through silent prayers. He went on to say that he knew what my role was in the life of the baby we were planning. I would always be that childs mother, they would be the parents, but why mess with words he would say, it is who you are. "The more people to love the child." he impressed me with his deep honesty, and genuine umderstanding of what seemed the most generous gift he could give to his child.
 I had no idea at the time, that these two men would become the gay loves of my life. Presley is one of the most remarkable, kind, generous, loving, people I've ever met. Do I sound like I'm gushing, because I am. If Tom had listened to me I would not have moved forward, and two beautiful chidlren would not be here. Thank you Tom for dealing with all my hormones,  knowing that this would all come together to form what was probably not your idea of how our family would grow.  Our yearly vacations together to such destinations as Maine, Bermuda, and I how could we forget the Rosie O"donnell cruise! Not to mention sharing my affection, love, breasts (for nursing of course, keep your mind out of the gutter, not to mention ...gay), and many weekends away to spend time with them.
Tom...I love you more than I can say. You are often forgotten by people when they hear my story, but ALL of these children would not be here if you were not.

Labor and Delivery

I graduated from nursing school in the spring of 2003, I had worked as a student nurse at Franklin Medical Center, our community hospital, during the summer prior to finishing school. I knew the floor well, from my own birth experiences, the nurses, and practitioners. I landed the job there as a new grad, which it turns out is nothing short of a miracle in nursing. Your silently requirered to do atleast a year of medical surgical nursing before moving on to a specialty, but as fate would have it that wasn't in my cards.
 Labor, birth, post partum..I couldn't get enough of the process. I felt honored to be a part of every birth I was privledged to attend. I soon found out that every nurse on the floor had the exact same feelings. Most had wanted to be a midwife prior to working in L&D, but soon found out that being an RN didn't require the 24hr on call hours that midwives were forced to adhere to.
I received an overnight 24hr. position. Now you may think, no position is worth working over night, well I can tell you this one is. It did take a while to get used to. I would go to sleep as soon as I got home, fall into bed not even looking to make sure I was hitting the correct surface. Wake up at 2pm and feel so disoriented that I wasn't even sure what time, day, or even where I was. Then I would go back to sleep for a few hours, wake up, spend time with the family, then head back to work. Where I would hold my head high walking by the visitors in the hallway, thinking, "that's right I work here.", I literally could not have been more proud.
Labor and delivery in a small community hospital means that you wear a lot of hats. You need to be trained in labor, delivery, post partum, infant care, neonatal resusitation, well nursery, preterm labor, GYN, some medical surgical, and work in the OR usually for a cesarean section but sometimes for other things like repairs or retained placentas, but not only that you have to be a labor support, and sometimes feel like a social worker.
 Orientation to L&D generally takes around 4 months officially, unofficially it can take much longer to feel completely comfortable. That being said, this is a position you never want to be completely comfortable in, you always have to be on guard. Never knowing what could come off the elevator. I can say I work with the most amazing team of women, everyone here is dedicated to giving the best care to women and their babies. When I was a fresh nurse I knew I could ask any question without feeling foolish, the same applys now to new nurses that come on our floor. We don't have a lot of turn over here due to the fact that it is such an incrediable place to work, some may even think magical.
Working in L&D didn't stop my desire to have more children, it fueled the desire. I had never dreamed of being a tradtional surrogate for anyone but Clay and Edward, my plan to give Grace a brother or sister in about a years time.  Although, a horrible life event would change all of our plans.

Not easy

Edward and Clay left on a Wednesday,  the same day we were discharged from the hospital.  We all happily strolled down the hallway, them holding Grace in the infant carrier. I remember leaving feeling a sense of fulfillment. I knew that they were stopping by our home before leaving to catch a flight back to MN.. I had a few days off before returning to nursing school. It was all going to be fine, I would kiss them all goodbye and we'd set a date to visit.
I nursed Grace once more back at home.I remember telling myself, hold it together until they leave. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them wanting a family, that's why she's here.  Clay and Edward at this  point in our relationship had grown to be part of our family. I knew they would always be in our lives, it's honestly what held me together at this point. That and my amazing husband and dear friend Piper. Grace was placed into my life because of Edward and Clay. They would probably respond to that with the opposite response, that if it wasn't for me...but I know she's here because she was meant to be here. She's here to make their beautiful family. I helped put her there, which is the biggest honor I can think of.  I had one of the starring roles in her life!  Edward and Clay gave me a cameo with a mother and baby on it, I wear it everyday and think of them.
After they left Tom gave me a warm hug,  I excused myself and went into the bathroom where I quietly wept. I didn't want my kids to see me like this,  this was a joyous time and that's how I wanted them to remember it.  Tom stayed with me for a few days before he went back to work. I kept busy studying for my cardiac exam that was coming up the following week. The next day my milk came in with a forcefulness, it seemed to shout at me that their wasn't a baby to share it with. How could I have this reminder now? I was just trying to make it to the next minute without shedding a tear, forget about looking down and seeing my breasts look like mini basketballs. So I pulled myself together, put in a call to Piper, took some tylenol for the pain, and wore a tight jog bra. Sad to see my milk dry up, but knowing that Grace was to far to realistically (with school and kids), pump, store, and ship my milk, that was what we decided was the best choice.
The guys called me when they arrived home to tell me what I had missed since they left. It was fantastic to hear there voices. They said she did well on the flight, and they were proud to announce they survived the first day alone with their daughter.  I couldn't have been happier. I helped create another family, but this time it felt as if I had truly expanded mine.

What a day!

The day had come to have my latest arrival. If I knew then what I know now being a labor and delivery nurse I would not have gone along with an induction for this baby, but I wasn't an L&D nurse then so this was my thought process.  I'm in nursing school and need to time labor and delivery between exams and clinicals, and if we plan on an induction than the guys would be there, no need to worry about them missing the big event. As you read on you'll see that everything worked out and she was born healthy. That being said, it did take a little intervention to meet her.
We arrived at the hospital at 8am sharp. The plan was to break my water and see what happened. I was already 2cm dilated and she was low enough to safely break my water. The guys met us at the hospital, again the looks on their faces said it all. They looked excited, scared, over joyed, anxious, and simply in love with their daughter that they dreamed about for so long. I had decided to not have an epidural, I was also going to breastfeed her in the hospital and knew that an epidural could slow the nursing process. I wanted to give her one last gift of a medication free delivery. I succeeded. After my water was broken, we waited, and waited, with no success. As with my oldest, and the first set of twins I needed pitocin. Once that set in I was on my way. I labored and gave birth in the same room I had Tommy and Sam in. I thought, "This is a weird coincidence.", as fate would have it I would later go on and have my last two biological children in that same room. When ever I have a birth in that room, speaking as a nurse now, I at some point remember one of their births.
Her labor was beautiful. It was silent. Now that's my recollection of it, my husband and the guys may have had another version all together. I went with every contraction, and let it go as soon as it ended. She was born in the evening around 6pm. Clay delivered his daughter. The midwife that was with me let him take over at the last minute. I have a picture of him all ready to catch her...simply lovely. They placed Grace on my chest, she was picture perfect. She looked exactly as I expected. She nursed right away and I felt as if nothing could be better. She was healthy everyone in the room appeared to just have a soft glow around them.

How to get pregnant.

Edward and Clay moved to Ma. so Edward could attend Harvard. This could not have worked out better. We live in Western Ma. so it would be a two hours trip to get to our home. This whole experience would be different., instead of getting progesterone injections, I would be clocking my cycle. Instead of using donor egg, I would be using my own. Having two sets of twins back to back did take a bit of a toll on my body, I needed a kind pregancy. One that would not require bedrest or being away from the general public for more than a day. The down side to all this is the emotional piece. OK....I guess I should say that also is a positive. It's both where traditional surrogacy is concerned. Although, at the very start of all this, I had no idea that even in the surrogacy world, we would be considered unusual.
Now before you read on I have to tell you, we were all medically tested. This is a sorce of discomfort for some people. Everyone received a glowing bill of health, so we marched on with our plans. We had to do inseminations. I decided to do them with my obgyn, instead of doing them at home. Well, atleast at the start of our journey. We did procede with some home inseminations when after the first month I didn't get pregnant. Let me tell you, talk about uncomfortable. They greeted us at our door, with a little brown bag. You can guess what was in it. From the looks on their faces it appeared they wanted to leave the little brown bag on the stoop and run. It was a bit humorous. The insems were no big deal, in fact compared to the twins, it was a piece of cake. It took 6 months of clocking my cycle, brown little bags, and doctors appointments before I became pregnant. I had also begun my nursing program so I had that as a distraction. It also helped that Piper was in the middle of her first surrogacy.
I was on top of the world during my pregnancy. I purchased the cutest maternity outfits know to man and women.We found out at 20 weeks that I was carring a girl. Now, some of you may be wondering how that felt to me. I mean I had two boys. I also had two step-daughters. I have to tell you I was thrilled. I knew this wasn't my baby, but on the very primal level it was. She is and always will be Edward and Clays daughter, but that little piece of me that knew her right from conception, that's the part that makes me her mother, surrogate or otherwise.. You can decide.

Friendship

I had decided to be a traditional surrogate. I would use my own egg and the intended families sperm. I was also going to do this with the intention of not telling many people. I received the same response when people heard I was a surrogate, "How could you give up your baby?", than they would hear donor egg and the tight stoned faces would change to soft warm ones. "WHAT A GIFT" I would hear. But, I ask you if know one was willing to help, their wouldn't be donor egg either.
I went with Growing Generations again, I knew I wanted to help another gay couple, this agency had been a good fit. Again, I received profiles. Again, we went for our first meeting. Edward and Clay sat at a table looking over the Mississippi River, the restaurant was nice, buffet was being served. They stood when they saw us walk in. Edward who had dark hair, brown eyes, and medium build, jumped when he saw us walk in. Clay who had light brown hair and hazel eyes, smiled but seemed a bit more reserved. Tom instantly liked Edward who didn't stop smiling throughout the whole meal. He seemed to digest every morsel of conversation that we seemed to be leading. They asked the normal questions. "Why did you decide to be a surrogate? Why did you decide to be a traditional surrogate? Questions we expected and many more we didn't. I felt at this point they could throw anything at me on the subject and I would have it covered. We in turn though many a question back at them. You could say in was like watching a tennis match. Clay was a nurse and was interested in the fact that I was starting on my RN in the fall, "Great I thought, a topic of conversation!" Not to mention a resource later on.  We left our lunch feeling optimistic about this couple. Edward was a social worker, going to be working on his PhD in the fall at Harvard. I knew I had to think deeply about this journey, but somewhere I knew their would be a baby in all of our future.
Before I wrap this one up, I want to mention a friend of mine. Her name is Piper. She was a nurse at "The birthplace", and since we live in a small town we had bumped into each other from time to time. I believe after I graduated from nursing school she was also the reason I was given my position I still hold at "The Birthplace". She is going to be weaved through my story. After reconnecting she decided to be a surrogate mother. Her stories are as rich and colorful as mine. She helped me get through some of the dark moments that did exist following my pregnancy's. As fate would have it my last couple and hers would create the nontraditional family I now have.

A moment in time

I have to fast forward to present time just for today. Sunday my oldest child graduated high school. When he was born I thought, nothing in the universe is this amazing! Nothing could take my breath away with a sudden skinned knee, or a smile that was just for me. The sincere earnest way he said "Mommy",  I ask you, Is there a better word??
Tommy started it all. The complete unconditional love you have for your child.  From the first minute I saw his little 8 lb. 15 oz , 21 inches long self, to his now impressive 6ft. 7in. self.

 His smile still makes me simply happy.

I was the proudest Mom when I saw him receive his diploma.
I love you Tommy.
Mom

Yours, Mine, Ours, and Others: A Family

Yours, Mine, Ours, and Others: A Family: "In the hospital we basically shared the same room. Trevor, Dennis, and the babies had their official room, but mine turned out to be the hot..."

A Family

In the hospital we basically shared the same room. Trevor, Dennis, and the babies had their official room, but mine turned out to be the hot spot. Trevor's parents flew in from LA, Calf.,they also spent a fair amount of time in my room. I breastfeed the babies, I was happy that my milk would have a purpose this time. It felt like a loss to me before to just have my milk dry up.
I recall one particular feeding, I had James with me, and he was nursing without any problems. I looked into his little face and instantly felt a bond. His big eyes took over that little young round face. When I say a bond I don't mean as if he were mine. It was as if I knew this little being for the longest time and we were sharing a special moment. I would imagine him thinking,"Hey, I know this gal, she's ok.", After the feeding I brought him down the hall to see his father, I was a bit weepy, Trevor asked if I was ok, I was except for this small aching feeling of melancholy. I would miss the babies, I didn't want them, but it seemed logical that I would miss them. When I looked at James and Paige I didn't see my children, they looked nothing like my blond haired blue eyed kids, they had dark hair, dark brown eyes and a temperament that didn't match my growing babes back home.  Trevor lived in New York City so they were an easy two hour drive away.  Our plan was to go for a visit in about one week.
I didn't pump my breast milk for them but when we saw them two weeks later, Trevor said, "Do you want to try, I knew most of my supply was down but I didn't care. Trevor had a small apartment in Greenwich village, it was a sweet little brownstone that didn't scream family. It quietly stated in all the manicured walls, time to find a new home guys. The apartment had a small kitchen that hooked to an even smaller bathroom. They had what I would guess to be a 10'x6' living room. That room held their crib and oversized couch, that was all it held. Right next to the living room was their bedroom. Another cramped space. For now it all worked, their was bits and pieces of their momentary lost life. Movie posters from Trevor"s recent film, Dennis had scripts thrown around to match what was still going on in his life. They did share the baby duties but it was clear that Trevor was their main parent. Trevor and Dennis had started getting serious during the pregnancy and had moved in together around my 20 weeks of pregnancy mark. He was devoted but still was moving forward with his career. Trevor wanted to focus on his two new loves.
I went into the semi private bedroom with both the twins to try to nurse them. To my surprise the week didn't seem to make a difference. They had a bottle for all that time but nursed without incident. They nursed and I looked at their little features. A few hours later we left with tears in our eyes, and promises to see each other soon. We did a few months later.
I went home with a plan. I was going to finally go back to school and get my nursing degree. My plan was to work at the birthplace, with all those amazing nursing that had helped me during my labors and delivery's. I had been taking prerequisite classes since I finished High School, all with the intention of being a registered nurse. Now I knew what type of nursing I was going to strive toward. I knew I would have another baby. I knew it would be my own biology, and I knew that it would be a completely different road.

Meet James and Paige

  I went into labor without even knowing it. I was 37 weeks pregnant, great by all standards for twins. I did it, kept them inside long enough to thrive on the outside. I thought I was going to miss the now massive movements that reassured me that they were content in their surroundings. It was just a routine visit with my midwife, check my cervix, blood pressure, and send me on my way. My appointment was with Susan, she checked me and said, "You're seven centimeters, you need to get to the hospital now!". I couldn't believe it, how could I possibly be in labor? I hadn't felt one contraction. We had just ordered pizza, and Susan wasn't on call at the hospital. "Couldn't I just wait until tomorrow?" I asked. I promise I'll come right in, first thing in the morning. Susan was on call the next day. Her response a definitive ..."NO". I'll check in to make sure all is well but you are in labor, the sooner you get there the better.
To my complete dismay I went across the street to the hospital. Tom called home to make sure all was well with the kids, and also to make sure we had family coming to watch the kids and relieve the sitter.
   Tom once again, now knowing what his role was in all this, called Trevor to let him know the babies were on their way.  At the hospital I thought yet again, maybe someday when I'm done with nursing school I will get a job here. Be part of all this excitement but from the other side. A different view point. I quickly set that thought aside and got comfortable in the bed. My nurse Deb put the electronic fetal monitor on, as sure as she put the ultrasound on my rotund belly, the babies said their hello. Still not feeling the contractions, the monitor was picking them up without a problem.
   Trevor and his partner were coming from NYC, it was around 5:30pm. Rush hour traffic, I feared they would miss the big event. The plan was to break my water as soon as they arrived. I didn't need to worry. 10:30pm they arrived. Smiles plastered on their face, was it nerves I was picking up, or shear love exploding into their faces.
  I was moved into the OR, I had my epidural in place, and was ready to push. Tom on my left side. The guys on my right. Everyone in their hats, booty's and masks in case I needed a cesarean section. The whole team was their, my midwife Sue (who later told me Susan L. called multiple times to check in.) my doctor, the OR team, and anesthesia. I was ready to push.
  The sensation was different. I was always uncomfortable when I was pushing, I had my boys natural, the Robert and Eli the epidural didn't work. I was having NO pain. I pushed James out in about a minutes time. He cried instantly, and again I looked over and Trevor had that smile that every new parent has. One that says, I know you, I love you, I'm your Daddy. It was a beautiful moment. It took a bit of time after he was born to start to feel the urge to push again. But, then the urge his and I couldn't hold back. Paige was born 10 minutes later. It was odd to feel her leaving my body. She was a good pound bigger than her little brother, and I could feel that, long before hearing her official weight of  6 lbs. 10 oz.  She hollered instantly. Cheers erupted in the delivery room. She was placed on my abdomen  He was snuggled up to his Dad.  Tom had a quiet smile on his face. All was right with the world.

It's complicated

The pregnancy started out uncomplicated. I had the usual morning, noon, and night sickness, but besides that felt fine.  I was over the shock of carrying twins again, and started looking forward to feeling the babies move. It was around 16 weeks that I began having some mild contractions. I made an appointment with my midwife and I was found to be a finger tip dilated. Again, I was put on bed rest.  It was just short term they said until the contractions calmed down. I tried to keep myself busy while the kids were at school and Tom was at work. I read every book I could get my fingers on, watched any movie Tom brought home to me.  Ten days later I was off bed rest and we made a date with some friends to go out to dinner.
Just after we ordered dinner I got up to use the bathroom. The bleeding was unbelievable, I have never seen so much blood while I was pregnant. I was scared I was loosing the pregnancy. I left the bathroom, said I was sorry to our friends, and had Tom call the midwife. She told me to go home and rest. I put my feet up and feared getting up to the bathroom, I didn't want to move at the shear horror that I would lose the babies.  I went for an appointment the next day, the bleeding had slowed but I was still spotting. Susan again checked my cervix and said "let's get an ultrasound to see if the pregnancy is still viable". I remember thinking, this isn't just a pregnancy these are two little lives.
Tom and I went in to see if there was still a chance that the babies were growing and healthy. I held my breath during the scan. Sure enough, their was two babies, two strong heartbeat, everything checked out perfectly.
As I'm sure you have guessed (if you've been reading all my posts) I was yet again put on bed rest. At around 20 weeks I started feeling the babies move. They each had their own little ways to express themselves. We found out around this time that I was carrying a boy and a girl! It was exciting to also be carrying a girl. I had had four boys! Trevor cried at the thought of a son and a daughter  He went home after the news and thought hard about names. He decided on James and Paige. Beautiful names I thought, and fit the growing personalities that I was getting aquatinted with.  Trevor called me every day during the last weeks of pregnancy. I again was huge. I would never recommend having twin pregnancy's back to back. As you know I wasn't planning it. As for Tracy and Ken, they found another surrogate and went on the have one baby. Isn't life funny.

Over The Moon

We flew out to LA for my transfer with Trevor. Again, I had started on all the lovely medications to prep me for the transfer. I remember the drug lupron being the worst culprit. It made me turn into someone I didn't even recognize. My moods were all over the place, my body felt like it didn't belong to me. I kept telling myself, once I'm pregnant I'll feel better. I was hoping I would get pregnant the first time around.
Tom and the kids came along this time, they were amazing, and all so excited to see LA. We landed and Trevor met us for dinner. The kids had met him by this point and had also fallen in love. He had tons of charisma that anyone would gravitate to. He talked about his excitement at the prospect of being a father. The plans for the week, transfer, Carrie staying in bed for the embryos to made a home, Tom, kids, and Trevor, fun filled days at Disney. I'm not one for amusement parks so I was just as happy staying back. I got my family in the morning and evenings. Tom was such a major player in this whole journey. He took care of everything and everybody during my stints on berets, and just planning things out. You maybe thinking, how could a mother purposefully sit in bed while her family was out? How could she leave them to help someone else have a family. My answer to this is simple. It felt necessary. If I worked out of the home I would be leaving my kids 8 to 12 hours a day. I may go on business trips, I was a stay at home, run a daycare mom. They were always with me, that's just how it was, how I wanted it to be.
The day of the transfer Tom, Trevor, and myself went in to Pacific Fertility in LA, Calf.. It reminded me of an office one may see on television. I had stepped into an episode of Beverly Hills 90210. I thought, this can't possibly be the place? This isn't a doctors office, it a retreat! Somewhere I would go to meditate or get a facial.  It was the correct place, and they made us comfortable to say the least. They called our name and I was all prepped to meet my newest nine month companion.  The doctor came in introduced himself and said.."we need to discuss how many to transfer". Now first off, I looked at this man and was taken aback by his teeth. He smiled the biggest smile and almost blinded me with his bright, tight smile.  He said our best success would be to transfer three. Tons of other stats flew our way, to the point where my head was spinning. I didn't want to carry twins again, it was the last thing that I wanted. He reassured me that the odds were small. I felt the pressure and dove in head first. Three beautiful, perfect little pre-babies were placed in my uterus. The long wait began.
We flew home, I kept telling Tom, "I don't think it worked, I feel the same", about an hour into the flight I had some cramping, the telltale sign of implantation. I was thrilled.  Eleven days later I went for lab work for the confirmation. It was positive. I was ecstatic. But, my numbers were low, they weren't sure if the pregnancy would survive. In fact they wouldn't send me anymore medications because of my numbers. I was taking progesterone again to keep the pregnancy going until the placenta took over, around 12 weeks of pregnancy.  I did a repeat test sure enough my numbers tripled, I knew it was because it was a late implantation. Two weeks and counting to see how many babies we had in there.
The day came for my ultrasound. The probe was placed and in there was one beautiful heart pumping away. The tech turned the probe this way and that. It appeared as just one little bambino was greeting us. Until, she turned the probe  behind baby number one, there he or she was! Another little one tucked behind his or her sister. I looked over and Trevor and his partner Dennis were just staring at the screen. Tears started to roll down Trevor's face. Quietly, than almost as if he had forgotten the rest of us were there he started laughing, than hollering! Than a gentle soft hug to me, than a huge hug for Tom. The dilemma over having twins was gone. I was over the moon with happiness.

Why would I wait?

While I was pregnant with the twins I thought, I could do this again. Tracy and Ken had wanted more children. They still had embryos they could use. The issue with this union was that they had hoped to have another set of twins. They were enjoying the babies so much that they couldn't imagine having a baby that was a singleton  I on the other hand wanted to carry another baby but did not want the high risk restrictions that multiples brought with them.
I had a wonderful conversation with Ken and Tracy, (Tom included) and decided to leave it open but for the time being I wanted to help another couple. I also knew that I wanted it to be a gay couple. Tracy was a supportive intended mother but I felt her sorrow about not being able to conceive through out my pregnancy. I knew with a gay couple that I would be helping to create a family without the added sadness. Infertility wasn't an issue with a gay male couple. They just didn't have the goods. I contacted Growing Generations a primarily gay surrogacy agency located in Beverly Hills LA.
Trevor was his name. He was a single gay man who wanted to have a baby. I received three profiles from the agency to pick from, the other two were male couples. I saw Trevor's profile and knew he was the one. He was tall, dark hair, with beautiful eyes. I joked with my husband it's a good thing he's gay and I'm married. Did I mention he was an actor? We flew out to LA to meet Trevor. The twins were only a few months old at this time. I was still flying high from the experience with Tracy and Ken. I was certain this was my next step. Tom and I instantly loved him. He introduced us to his family, it was as if we were all on a first date. The sparks flew, we all went through the medical procedures to get clearance to move forward. We got the seal of approval and planned to fly back out to LA for the transfer. I had privately decided that I would be a gestational surrogate but wanted to some day be a traditional surrogate. I felt like that would be the biggest gift I could give.

Going Home,,

The twins were born in the OR and we moved to room 308. Trace and Ken were given a room next to ours. We respected each other's privacy but also connected in a way that's hard to describe. I discussed breastfeeding with Tracy and Ken before the babies were born. I said I was willing to breastfeed in the hospital and pump my breastmilk if they liked. Tracy did some research and came to the conclusion that she would be more comfortable with bottlefeeding. I understood completely but felt a bit sad at the notion that I wouldn't be breastfeeding.
I have pictures of all of us in the hospital, my little ones as well, that I will cherish forever. Looking at the babies I never felt a need to "keep" them as so many people ask. I saw who they were, Tracy and Ken's babies. They didn't look a thing like my children, which in retrospect probably was a good thing for my first surrogacy. Tracy and Ken didn't hold the babies back from me either. I held them as often as I liked, and when I wanted to rest they went back to there room for some private time too. We left the hospital two days later and promised each other we would keep in touch.
Did I shed any tears? YES! With Robert and Eli it was more about the whole of the experience being over. I had connected to Tracy and Ken in a way that no one in my life understood, except Tom .They felt like family, where would our relationship go? I didn't have to worry. The twins are now 12 years old and we still stay in touch!

The birthplace

Labor started when my water broke around 11:15 am. I knew what time it was because that was the exact time I needed to pick up Tommy from kindergarden. I called Tom at work, he called his parents to pick up the kids, right after he called Mrs. Potter, Tommy's teacher to tell her that I was stuck at home. She laughed and said, "Don't worry, just get home safely". He also called Tracy and Ken to say that their children were about to enter the world.
We arrived at the hospital, looking at the faces of the nurses I had briefly thought, I would love to work here someday. That would become true four years later. For now I just had to get through this delivery, which was not happening in record time. Tracy and Ken arrived, they had decided on names for the babies, they would be Robert and Eli.  Tracy was concerned with how I was, "did the contractions hurt yet?", "Did I need anything to drink?" I looked in her eyes and felt a tear well up, she was going to be a wonderful mother I thought. I told her the contractions were nonexistent, the midwife decided to start pitocin,  it mimic's oxytocin a hormone to  put me and keep me in labor.  The midwife on call was the same midwife that caught Tommy and Sam.  Words cannot describe how I feel about Susan. Besides being my midwife, she later became my coworker, as well as a friend. I put my complete trust in her to deliver these babies.
Labor started and I became fully dilated quickly. They wanted me to have an epidural in case there was a need for a cesarean section.  It didn't work, I just wanted to push. I looked at Tom who saw the fear in my eyes, he gripped my hand and said it would be fine. They brought me into the OR, I started pushing the minute I had everyone's full attention. ten minutes later Robert was born! Ken and Tracy were crying, but I still had to birth Eli. Tom looked scared at this point, the doctor on call took over for Susan. I had no idea what was going on. He explained to me that Eli was breech but he felt he could deliver him that way. It didn't take more than a minute and Eli was born. He was a footling breech. Both the babies cried right away. I looked over at Tracy and Ken, I've never seen joy like that in my life. It was likely the same look I had in my eyes when my children were born.

The twins!

The pregnancy was uncomplicated until 27 weeks. I had threatened preterm labor and was stricken to bed rest. I was 2cm dilated and was having irregular uterine contractions. Tom was put on childcare duty, having to bring Sam than two years old to his work daycare. This was a time I was sure that the two of them bonded. Little Sam with his blond curls and cherub arms would crawl  out of bed into Tom's arms as the sun was rising.  Tom would get up early get me set up with my days worth of drinks, food, books, telephone, and videos. The older kids had their routine as well, living right next to their grade school was a huge asset.
I spent hours of quality hours with the kids during this time. We read books, cuddled, worked on homework with no interruptions from other peoples children. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed daycare but it was refreshing to just have my kiddos. Simultaneously, the twins were growing strong. We found out at the 20 week ultrasound that they were having twin boys. Tracy and Ken were thrilled! At 36 weeks I was off bed rest, I could not contain my excitement! I decided to celebrate with a trip to the mall, I should have realized that it would not be a fun trip. I looked like I had swallowed a hot air balloon. People were staring at me like I had some sort of rare disease that they might catch. Not to mention how completely uncomfortable I was. But, not for long I went into labor 5 days later.

Waiting

We waited for two weeks, it was finally time to see if I was pregnant. The fertility clinic called at 10:00am. I'm sorry Mrs. Mimitz but the results are negative. They told me to continue on the progesterone shots for another two days, "just in case the embyos have a late implantation.". This was the worst news,  how could I possibly face Tracy and Ken. I thought about the news, how could I possibly not be pregnant. It had always been so easy for me. What if they thought they picked the wrong women. What if they didn't want to try again. I didn't need to worry long, Tracy called me right away, instead of worrying about her own feelings they were worried about mine. They said they were used to negative results, that they were concerned about how I would take the news. How did this happen? This amazing couple were worried about me, it made my desire to help them grow even more.
We had to wait two cycles before trying again. It was Sept. and if I got pregnant that would mean a May baby. "What a great time to have a baby "Tracy said. She was finally getting to the point where she could see she may actually become a mother. My own children were keeping me busy, every once and awhile I would look at their sweet little faces and think, they are why I'm doing this. My life would not be complete without them.
They found another egg donor. One that was proven in the past. She had donated multiple times and most of those pregnancy's were either twins or triplets. The time grew closer for the transfer again, again we flew down to Virginia. This time more relaxed, as welll as being more comfortable with each other. During the wait time Tracy had a hysterectomy, it was a bittersweet time for them. While she was still in the hospital we received the pregnancy results. It was positive, and soon we found out I was carring twins.

The transfer

We decided to tranfer three embryos. I was going to be a gestational surrogate, I thought that it would be a perfect lead in (if I wanted to try again), I wouldn't be the "mother" no biology to speak of.  You could say I was the gestational babysitter. Pregnacy was easy for me, I would be able to nurture and grow the infant, birth and than hand over the perfect gift to the intended parents. Tracy (the mother to be) would not be able to use her own eggs for health reasons they would need an egg donor. Ken (the father to be) would use his sperm,they would than tranfer the embyos made from that union to my uterus. Three was the magic number. They were hoping for twins, and for me, what could be more fun!? I enjoyed, you could say loved being pregnant with one, two would just add to the experience.
I flew to Virginia for the tranfer. I'm from Massachusetts as is Tracy so we headed down together. I often get motion sickness so leaving my husband and children behind as well as feeling miserable did not make for a good start. We expected this trip to bond us, but to tell the truth, I think we realized we were nothing alike. I was thrilled to be on board with the whole journey but I had been on all sorts of medications to get my uterus primed for the transfer. I was tired and miserable. I could think of nothing else but sleeping and reading. Time to myself was a luxury, besides having four small children I also ran a home daycare, at any given time I had six children in my home, the last thing I wanted to do was stay up half the night and bond.
Tracy seemed to sense this and was respectful of my privacy. She rented me room at a B&B that had a certain turn of the century charm to it.
The transfer itself took all of five minutes. I had to go back to my room and stay on bedrest for three days. Injections of progesterone were given twice daily, not the most comfortable of medications, it has an oil base and is uncomfortable to say the least. Bedrest was a slice of heaven. I hadn't slept late, napped, or just lazed around watching tv and reading in years.The idea behind bedrest was to let the embryos snuggle into my uterus and make a home for the next nine months. I flew home three days later to the love of my husband and children, the pregnancy test countdown began.

The first meeting

We decided to take the plunge. We decided to finally meet the couple we had been communicating with online to figure out if we were a match. I kept asking myself, should I be a gestational surrogate mother or a traditional surrogate. Would I be able to essentially give up my own biological child? I knew right from the start that I viewed it as a gift. I wasn't having anymore children so how would this be my child? This was a promise, a gesture preconception. A vow that I would be taking with people I hadn't even met yet.  Did we have the same values? I had a million questions for them,  as I'm sure they did for us. I felt in a way that this was my plan. I had to move forward with this, It seemed almost visceral, as if this wasn't my choice to make at all. Women who have given birth understand that when labor really starts, there's no turning back.  This force inside your body takes over, with every contraction your one step closer to becoming a mother.  But, that inner tightening, that was all you could think about, how do I possibly get through another one of these? Control was out, this was something that was moving forward, like it or not. Then it's over and their's a babe in your arms. That was it, something I couldn't turn back from, I was going to be a surrogate mother. That sums up my pre-surrogacy existence.

We met at our home. They came all bright eyed and hopeful.  They seemed to look as if they were stepping into a world that they never knew. She (I won't be using real names to protect anonymity) was on the short side, with short black hair. I thought  "clearly she's a business lady" she was dressed as if she were walking into the most important interview of her life.  I guess it was. He was also on the short side, balding gray hair. He looked like a professor at an ivy league college. They were both professional people. He was a doctor, she worked in the growing computer industry.  They came with no short of 100 questions for us.

How??

I went online and researched how I would even go about becoming a surrogate mother, what did it truly mean and how would I find a couple that I liked AND would get along with my family. I was surprised that the WWW was FULL of information! It was only 1997 so looking back it's somewhat shocking.   So I gathered and pulled together as much information as I think my brain could hold and decided to discuss it with my husband Tom.
Tom's response was, "Yeah, I think I'm up for it. You'll be doing most of the work." Little did he know!

Why?

So many people have asked me why I decided to be a surrogate mother. Why would you do that? I could NEVER do that? Or..what an amazing thing to do, but I could never!

Honestly, I thought when a friend of ours was having fertility problems and "joked" that I could have a baby for them, what a great idea! I could do that...I loved being pregnant and couldn't imagine life without my children. My step-daughters were 10 and 8 at the time, my boys were 5 and around 18 months. I was in heaven with my family. I also was a bit sad that we were not planning on having anymore children. Four was a lot and not just to take care of, kids are expensive! So what better way to give back!

My first blog ever!

So WOW! Here I am, writing my blog. It's my jump start to my actual memoir I'm planning on writing. How many kids do I have? It's a question I get asked often. I'm a OBGYN nurse, I deal with mother's and babies...families. All day, well night...I work the 7p to 7a shift.
My number of children I've given birth to is nine.I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old. Both boys. I also have two step-daughters. I have raised four. I am mom to four. But the numbers actually don't match.
I've been a surrogate mother five times. Two times being gestational..meaning. Not my eggs, donor egg and sperm from the intended father. Both of those pregnancy's were twins.
I had a beautiful little girl 8 years ago using my egg, she had two dads at the time, one had since passed away. We see each other 2-3 times a year.
Three of the surrogacy's I was using my egg, it was also with gay parents to be. My last two babies call me mommy. They are almost five and 2 1/2. I nursed them, they sleep with me when were together, we all vacation together as well. Meaning the Dad from my first biological baby and my last two babies all get along and we are a non-traditonal family. So far honesty has worked well for all of us. The kids understand (at this point in their lives) who is who. Daddy's, Pappa's, Papi's, and of course Mommy. Sometime I give different answers to how many kids I have. Depending on the audience I am speaking to. I may say 4 and two step-daughters. I may say four...including my step-daughters whom my husband and I raised. I may just lay it all out there. Like I said...it depends on who I'm speaking to. If  I meet someone that has an I heart Jesus on his shirt, I skip the story of the surrogacy's. If I meet two moms..I probably get into my long winded story. Some are amazed, some look bored....others look like they just want to run the other way.
So  I try to see my five and two year old every month or so, they live about four hours away. We alternate visits. It's my turn and I'll be going to see them next weekend. My fourteen year old comes along, usually with a friend in tow. My wonderful, spectacular husband sometimes stays home for a relaxing weekend. I'm sure I'll get into that at some point.
A brief sneak at what my husband has endured. Bedrest, childcare, no sex, a lot of men in his wife's life, nursing children that weren't his..oh giving birth to children that were not his. And even better getting inseminated with sperm that was not his.
Well enough for now...
Carrie